cradley

Thanks for your birthday wishes :)

Thanks for the advice,i have spoken to my daughter (kayleigh) she said she would like to get in touch with Lauren would she mind sending her msn details to kayleigh.
tHANKS Cradley.

Thank you for your reply,my daughter kayleigh has just passed 10 GCSE'S we too are very proud of her.We have told her she would have more opportunities in NZ,but she insists she won't leave her boyfriend or other friends she has here.
We first thought about moving to NZ six month's ago,she doesn't get angry anymore when we talk about it,but still says she doesn't want to go.
We too said if she doesn't like it she can come back to the UKwhen she is 18 but that doesn't seem to make a difference,she is on myspace and face book too i will speak to her about talking to Lauren she sounds like a lovely girl im sure you are very proud of her.
Regards Cradley.

Hi Cradley :] I don't envy you this one!! We first began thinking about NZ when Lauren was about 13 and it was the end of the world as far as she was concerned. She was adamant she wouldn't leave and would stay in UK with her Grandma. I didn't push the situation with her but didn't stop talking about it either. I just made sure I didn't talk directly to her about it. We discussed things when she was there, to make sure that she heard everything we wanted her to hear but she never contributed or joined in the conversation. About a year and a half later she just changed her mind out of the blue. I came across her using the PC and looking at NZ universities. I asked, very tentatively, if this meant she had changed her mind and she said that she was willing to find out more about it.

Lauren is a dancer. I taught performing arts in the UK and she had been involved with a lot of my projects. We had 'casually' discussed in her presence, how that with only 4 million population NZ would be a place full of opportunity. Here, if you're good at what you do, then the chances are you're amongst the best. The competition is a lot less fierce and you stand a better chance of making it in your chosen field. I know that this knowledge influenced her decision. The competition just to get on to a good dance/drama course in UK would have been a fete in itself, to make a living at it would have been even more difficult. Luckily for us, she is passionate enough about what she wants to do to use every means she has available to make it happen.

We didn't leave UK until July 07. Lauren had just finished her GCSE's and got 3 A* all in arts subjects :] She still went through an extremely turbulent time. Her emotions were all over the place. I am divorced from her father, so it meant that she would be leaving him behind as well. Although she was never really close to her dad, she would use their relationship as an excuse. Her father was unhelpful too. He would make both her and her brother feel terribly guilty every time he saw them. He would tell them that he wasn't sleeping or eating and that it was their fault. He told them that he and his new wife were going through problems due to his mood swings and that it was their fault! Big help eh? Not that they fell for it but it certainly didn't help.

Lauren had a very strong group of friends in the UK. I had a theatre company for kids and a dance company for young people that I had built up over 5 years. She was very close to all of them. Leaving them behind was extremely difficult for both of us but for Lauren it was like losing everything she had and everything that made her her. Also, her school friends were all making plans for their future - 6th form, college, work, choosing courses etc and she felt as if she had no future because she couldn't see a pathway. For us, as adults, that feeling of an unknown, new start was liberating, for her it was frightening and upsetting and made her feel insecure and anxious. She was still keen to come but it was so mixed up with all the other doubts that she was feeling at that stage in her development anyway, that she really didn't know which way was up! She swung between coming and staying most days.

Of course, there would never have been a choice for her to stay. I made it quite clear that if we go, we all go. We go as a family and we stay as a family and we make it work together. I made a deal with her. I said that for the last 16 years, since the very second she had been born, I had lived every second of my every day around her. very thought I had, every decision I made was made with her in mind. I asked her to consider that and I asked her to give me two years in return for those 16. I told her that had she been 18, I would have allowed her to stay had that been her choice but that at 16, I felt she still had an awful lot more to learn and experience. I asked her to trust me and to give it a go for 2 years. If then, when she turned 18 she was adamant she wanted to go back to the UK, I would send her with my blessing.

She agreed.

It's taken her a year to settle here and it hasn't been easy for her. For the first 3 months she was extremely unhappy and talked about going back all the time. I did lose my temper with her a few times and remind her that three months isn't enough time to make your mind up about anything! I also reminded her about our pact. Come together, stay together, as a family, as a unit.

She started university in July and she's been a lot better since then. Choosing her own friends from others like-minded instead of having friends thrust upon her by people we've met, has made a big difference. Because she's only 17 and doesn't have A Levels or equivalent, she's doing a 6 month course that will bring her up to university entry level. She's recently informed me that she's considering doing a B Ed here in NZ once this is completed. She was previously undecided whether to stay here or go to back to the UK. I stayed impassive on the outside but inside my heart was beating so quickly that I could hardly breathe.

I can't really give you any advice. I can only relay our experience. Lauren is Lauren and your daughter is your daughter. Lauren is a very strong, independent character. She has a lot of spirit. She will succeed in whatever she chooses to do. I hope that that is here but if not, this last year has also helped to give me the time to adjust to the fact that she may not stay. If she chooses to go back next Feb when she's 18, it will be her choice. Of course, I will miss her and she will take with her half of my heart but I will be proud of her and confident that she'll be OK. Whatever happens, she will have had 18 months of an mazing experience that she will be able to put to good use in her future. She's had to learn to be strong and confident. She's had to put her best foot forward and be prepared to be the first one to talk, to smile. She's had to learn to try harder and to not give in when it feels like everything is stacked against her. She's done well!

One thing you can try is to get her to realise that she will have a lot more freedom here. I am quite a strict parent. My kids don't get away with much and they don't get to do things and go places just because everyone else does. Lauren wasn't allowed out late, she didn't stop out very often, you know as well as I do that the UK isn't the safest of places for attractive young girls after dark. Here, it's much different. She learned to drive quite soon ater coming here and so gained her independence. The kids here don't go out drinking, tey're very strict on ID here. They tend to go round to someone elses house and all watch films or listen tomusic and have a drink. There's usually an adult around to keep an eye on things. She's in charge of her own life now. She's been off of uni this week and she hasn't been home. She went up to the mountains on Mon with friends ski-ing, 2 hours drive away. Tues she did some assignment work. Wed her and friends went to the beach hr and hf away in 20 degrees winter sunshine, thur she worked and today she has worked, she's working tomorrow and she'll come home for a few hrs before heading out again with friends. We're going to our friends beach bach at Waihi on Sunday so we won't see her then.

We seem to speak mostly through tx these days but we tx a lot. I always tx her last thing at night and she always tells me where she is and what she's doing. When she is home we talk a lot and we still take the odd dance class together :] She's really finding her niche and she's soooo much happier.

If you like, I can ask Lauren if she would talk to your daughter. She has a myspace and a facebook and a Bibo. I'm sure Lauren wouldn't mind, she likes making new friends and she loves meeting up with English kids over here because they share so much understanding.

I've gone on a bit. So I'll stop now. Let me know if there's anything I can help you with :]