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Thread: Do we stay or do we go?!

  1. #1
    kiwitastic is offline Junior Member
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    Default Do we stay or do we go?!

    Hi guys

    Just stumbled across this website in my scouring of the internet for all Kiwi- related materials. My boyfriend and I are at that critical point in this whole process where we decide whether or not to bite the bullet and go to NZ. Big thing holding me back particularly is missing family, especially things like if we have kids out there or decide to get married. Even discussing it with family as an idea has resulted in a lot of upset.

    I wondered what people have found the most driving positives towards NZ have been and also how they worked through the massive missing family/ homesickness difficulties? I imagine this anxiety is a fairly common feeling!

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    MotherBear's Avatar
    MotherBear is offline The missing link
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    Welcome to the forum, Kiwitastic.

    Unfortunately you seem to have come across one of the major and, yes, most common problems when deciding whether to move to NZ or not. So many people have had to ask themselves the same questions you are currently asking yourself.

    Perhaps it would help if you drew up a list of reasons why you want to go to NZ and reasons why you think you shouldn't go and see what it looks like. There must be some reason why you've even thought of emigrating in the first place, so that would need exploring further. Whilst it's true many folks do greatly miss their family and friends, there are ways to stay in touch that help to bridge the gap such as using the Internet and webcams for realtime and visual conversations or you can upload photographs and video clips to share and illustrate what you are doing downunder. Some have found that they communicate more frequently with family when they are apart than when they lived only a couple of miles down the road because they now have so much more to talk about.

    Would your family think of visiting you in NZ? If they did come to visit, who knows, they might even enjoy it enough to think of joining you there. Missing family is a painful experience which some can overcome in favour of their new and enriched life, whereas others just can't handle it. Would you be in a position to plan to live in NZ for maybe just a couple of years initially, to see how it goes and how you will cope? That would allow you to dip your toe in and give you the chance to make the beginnings of a new life, but with the thought that, if things get too difficult for you, you can always return home. It takes time to make new friends who will help you to settle and who will go some way to bridging the gap that your family would normally fill, so you need at least 2 years to give it a chance to work.

    Undoubtedly your family would be very upset to see you go but, in the end, they should put their upset aside and be happy for you that you are about to start a new and, hopefully, better life. The alternative is that you stay where you are and then what.......? If you decide to go, at least you will have done something important with your life and something you can look back on in years to come.

    Good luck with your decision-making.
    Mother Bear

    Try to bloom wherever you are planted.

  3. #3
    cradley is offline Member
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    Hi, and welcome
    i agree with mother bear if you dont try you will never know. it sounds like you are young and have plenty of time to try new things if you dont will you regret it ?.we have decided to give it a go and if we dont settle we will come back. Even thats after overcomming some difficult obsticles like my teenage daughter not wanting to go,my eldest daughter telling me shes expecting our first grand child in March,and me stressing about how my dog will cope with the flight but i still want to see if theres something better out there for us what do you have to loose by trying
    .hope this helps,
    Cradley

  4. #4
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    Stats_chick is offline Member
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    Welcome!

    I don't think anything will prepare you for homesickness you may feel but there is a reason you have thought about moving in the first place. Maybe you want to experience a new culture or live a different life from what you are living now. Figure out why you really want to move. Remember that this doesn't have to be permanent either. You could move for a few years and most of those issues aren't going to be much of an issue.

    My DH and I decided to look into NZ for an adventure and to let our children experience a different culture and lifestyle. I am very close to my family (see them about once a week) and while I realize that they will be missed and they will NOT visit me there (my mother will never fly again) I will do my best to stay in close contact.

    The way I look at this is you only live once and I don't want to live with regret. If you have the opportunity and desire to do it and it is something you really want then go for it. Nothing is permanent and if you realize you miss family more than what NZ offers then you can move back.

    Do what is best for you.

  5. #5
    DizzyF is offline Member
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    We have been over in NZ about 8 weeks. We spent so long planning but in reality, you end up worrying about totally different things beforehand to how you feel when you are here. I think missing family is hard and for us (still in the early days here) it is difficult because we don't really know people here yet. When I feel sad I just take myself for a drive to the beach and realise just how beautiful it is here. Also, our two year old son just loves the beach...but he does talk about people in the UK he misses. How will i feel in 6 months? Who knows but we are very fortunate to get the chance to do this.

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    Dawn's Avatar
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    30 minutes ago we were watching kingfishers fish in the river we live by, we watched a hawk swoop and soar with a 10 inch carp in it's talons, the silence was momentarily broken as a water-skier passed by, the people in the boat, whom we didn't know, all waving up at us on our deck. Now, as I watch my 13 year old son and 7 year old daughter swimming with the dog in the clean, clear river 20mtrs from our house, with the 26 degree sun on their backs, I contemplate this; they are building memories that will last them a life-time, they're able to do things here that they would never have done in the UK, they're having a real childhood, not a grabby, greedy materialistic, fill your life with as many things as you can buy because everyone else has got one childhood, they have a fraction of the number of gifts for Christmas than they would have had in the UK and they don't care.

    Do I miss the UK? No. Do I miss my family? I miss my mum. Do I miss my friends? One or two - BUT none of it badly enough to make me want to take this from my kids and very honestly, not enough for me to take the feeling from myself that I get when I see them getting so much out of their 'new' lives.

    You can't live your life for anyone else, it's a sure way to resentment. Have the life you want to have. You're in charge.

    My partners mum sent an email the other day saying that since we've left her life has been an nightmare - her words were; 'You may be living the dream, I am living a nightmare', well boo-friggin-hoo, quite frankly. Her life is hers, if she's having a nightmare she needs to wake up and stop it. It's not our fault. Our choices may affect her but how she reacts to them is her choice, how she chooses to look at things is down to her. We all need to stop allowing other people to pass on self-responsibility. Far too many people fall into the victim category of how 'life is so bad', 'Why does it always happen to me?' 'How can you do this to me?' 'It's not fair, nothing goes right for me!' 'It's your fault, you made me do it, 'If you hadn't have done that, then I wouldn't have done that', Yeah right! Whatever! Grow up!

    We love and care for other people. We do what we can to protect their feelings and be kind, but ultimately, we must do what is right for ourselves and leave them to do their own soul-work because to do any other is a cop-out for us and a open doorway for them to come back and blame you for how they feel.

    It's not a bad thing. It's life.
    Passionate about the unfathomableness opportunities of kiwi-a-gogo-land

  7. #7
    Duke's Avatar
    Duke is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks Dawn for your prospective...Ive been struggling with this quite some time( minus the details of my chickenshit mother in law) ...and here I sit, working 5 hours away from home and away from my loving wife and adventurous child in this Christmas season making dirty stinking money that will soon run out by buying the stupid garbage on the shelves,,,for what???... your right Dawn, your decisions will last a lifetime and so do regrets....

    Thanks for the outlook, you have boosted my spirit...

  8. #8
    Jacqi B is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn View Post
    30 minutes ago we were watching kingfishers fish in the river we live by, we watched a hawk swoop and soar with a 10 inch carp in it's talons, the silence was momentarily broken as a water-skier passed by, the people in the boat, whom we didn't know, all waving up at us on our deck. Now, as I watch my 13 year old son and 7 year old daughter swimming with the dog in the clean, clear river 20mtrs from our house
    Bliss! You can't buy that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn View Post
    they're having a real childhood, not a grabby, greedy materialistic, fill your life with as many things as you can buy because everyone else has got one childhood, they have a fraction of the number of gifts for Christmas than they would have had in the UK and they don't care.
    Although my children are adults, and not moving with us, I'm looking forward to living in a country where this is the norm - kids are different and grow into different adults from the way they do in the UK (I have a kiwi brother and two kiwi nephews)

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn View Post
    You can't live your life for anyone else, it's a sure way to resentment. Have the life you want to have. You're in charge.
    That's something I learned a long time ago. My partner still needs to learn it. He'll be happier when he does.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn View Post
    My partners mum sent an email the other day saying that since we've left her life has been an nightmare - her words were; 'You may be living the dream, I am living a nightmare', well boo-friggin-hoo, quite frankly. Her life is hers, if she's having a nightmare she needs to wake up and stop it. It's not our fault. Our choices may affect her but how she reacts to them is her choice, how she chooses to look at things is down to her.
    Absolutley! My partner's parents have never been keen on me as I'm not the girl they would have chosen. Now I'm the wicked woman who is enticing their baby (he's 44) away to the other side of the world (he wants to go as much as I do). Now we are not invited for Christmas dinner, where he would have seen his brother and aunt as well as parents, on what is likely tobe our last UK Christmas.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn View Post
    We love and care for other people. We do what we can to protect their feelings and be kind, but ultimately, we must do what is right for ourselves
    Jacqi B

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  9. #9
    kiwitastic is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks guys for all your responses, really supportive. I have read many of the similar threads on this website and come away with a different perspective completely from when I first posted. You do only get one shot at life and if you hold back on your dreams for fear of upsetting other people it could well end up in a life of regret and resentment. We've come so far now in our discussions of NZ and seeing all the positives gained from this move that if we didn't give it a shot we would always be wondering what if. Or worse still if difficulties arose in the UK we could be likely to blame our unhappiness on having not moved to NZ....

    So, (she says taking a big breath), we're going to do it. We're going to take the plunge and deal with whatever life chucks our way. YIKES!
    Last edited by kiwitastic; 23-12-2008 at 01:22 AM.

  10. #10
    faust_kt is offline Junior Member
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    Hi,

    My husband and I are moving to NZ at the end of the month. We're making the bold move and despite the fact that our family is happy for us to embark on this new chapter in our lives, I think that they secretly want us to stay....

    Anyway, because of this family in american thing, we set up everyone with a SKYPE account. This is an absolutely free site powered by Google. It is similar to g-chat, but you can talk to your family, real time via the computer, face to face. All you need is a video camera and to set up an account.

    This has worked well for my other siblings who live across the country as well. In fact, I have a job offer in NZ because I was able to conduct the interview with my future employer via SKYPE.

    This may not be the physical thing, but it will sure alleviate some homesickness!

    k

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