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Thread: Words of wisdom - please!

  1. #1
    band_blue is offline Junior Member
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    Default Words of wisdom - please!

    Hi Guys,

    I am new to the forum (and the protocol) but my family and I (wife and 2 girls 9 & 11) have a good job offer and have cleared the immigration hoops to go to Dunedin.

    This has been on the cards for a few months but now it is all more or less ok my wife is having a major wobble about leaving blighty and family/friends her job etc. I know there are good and bad stories and it is very scary to leave elderly family and an excellent support network and there is so much to do. I have had some really useful words of advice from Jay but I wondered if anyone else experienced the wobbles on a major scale before departure and went ahead with it and has subsequently made a success of the move?

    I don't want to take a role in NZ and mess my future employer around - they have been brilliant (most unlike the UK).

    I am not sure if I can turn my wife around in terms of giving it a go but any thoughts would be appreciated.

    Thanks

    PS any views on Dunedin would be good as well

  2. #2
    MotherBear's Avatar
    MotherBear is offline The missing link
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    Hi Band-blue. Welcome to MTNZ.

    Sorry to hear you’re having a bit of a hiccup with your immigration plans after they have got so far along the line. Unfortunately it’s not at all unusual for one partner or maybe a child (especially teenagers) to have major doubts about leaving their comfort zone and everything that is familiar to them. For them, I guess you could say it’s akin to stepping off the edge of a cliff, not knowing what’s below them.

    When a situation like this occurs with one of our members we often quote the ‘what if...’ syndrome where, if your wife decides not to go through with the big NZ plan, she may always wonder ‘what if....’ If she gives it a go, she will at least have some insight into what NZ has to offer ALL of you and that’s what is important. It’s not only about her but what is right for the family as a whole. Are your children reluctant to leave the UK as well or is it just your wife? If the children are keen to go, that is a big bonus, but if all 3 are against the idea, you could have an uphill struggle on your hands. Many people immigrate to NZ purely because they think there will be a better life for the kids and that is their main concern.

    It is very understandable that your wife has doubts about leaving everything that she is familiar with, but it could be a case of doing it now while you are still young and while the opportunity is there. Who knows how things will be in the future when NZ might close its doors to immigrants and there would be no second chance to go there to live. It might be a good thing to talk through your wife’s fears one by one and see if you can provide her with some answers or solutions e.g. setting aside funds for an air ticket if she needs to get back to the UK urgently if a family member is sick.

    Could you perhaps compromise with her in that you plan to stay in NZ for, say, 2 years and, if things don’t work out there, you could return to the UK? This is how some people overcome the problem of a doubting partner because then the move doesn’t seem to be so permanent (alarming) and there is a possible let out at the end. This will allow her time to see for herself what life in NZ can be like and for her to find out how she will cope without her family and friends around her. She may not be quite so afraid if she thinks she can come home again if things get too difficult for her. It will provide her with a safety net. The hope, of course, would be that, in time, she would come to love her new life and settle well. The danger could be that she might go to NZ grudgingly and just put in time until the 2 years is up, not making any real effort to integrate. You would be the best one to judge how she would react to the suggestion of the move possibly being only a temporary one.

    Perhaps Taffy (Jay) has already made these points to you, but I hope that you can resolve the matter in a way that everyone is happy and comfortable with. After all, you have no doubt invested a lot of money in getting as far as you have with immigration so it would be a pity not to put it to some use, even if only for a couple of years. It will be a great experience if nothing else.

    Good luck.
    Mother Bear

    Try to bloom wherever you are planted.

  3. #3
    ebianca's Avatar
    ebianca is offline Gingery, Peppery & Spicy
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    It is a tough situation to be in and soemtimes I think it is harder for the Wife/Mother in most cases.
    Usually it is the husband that has the job lined up and therefore an instant friend network and people to go to. The Wife/Mother is usually at home with the kids or finding a job at a later stage and can feel left out at times.

    With your kids being older i'm sure your wife will make some friends through school etc.

    Only you and your family will know what is the best thing to do for yourselves all we can do is offer some support to you.

    Ithink MB's idea is a good one that you have some sort of 'get out' plan if you really don't manage to settle and if you do then it doesn't matter, either way everyone should be happy. It is a big move to make and I think everyone has doubts somewhere along the line- she isn't the first and she surley won't be the last.

    Beth
    Flights booked for 24th March 2008!
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    Job Offer Received 9th July 2008!

    Temp Work Permit application submitted 11th July 2008!
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    EOI Selected 16th July 2008!
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    ITA Received 8th August 2008!
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    APROVED in Principle 10th June 2009!!!!
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  4. #4
    band_blue is offline Junior Member
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    Talking

    Many thanks for your words of wisdom.

    We have talked and talked and talked some more and I think we both know that we are now at the stage that we can do no more talking and its time for action. My wife has come a long way in her thinking and it really has been a good process for us. She is talking about this as a chance of a lifetime and making the move now and realising that we can come home - but we need to put our heart and soul into it and give it a real go.

    MotherBear your advice about having some money put aside for an urgent return home is an excellent idea - many thanks.

    I am excited (and blooming worried) about the potential move - but you only live once (unless you are James Bond and I think he managed twice!). The children have differing views on the move - neither are against it but the younger one is more excited and positive than her 11 year old sister who is more mature in terms of her thinking. They both know how much they will miss grandparents etc which I don't like to think about too much.

    Anyway - your advice has been really appreciated and helpful so thank you again and hopefully (if we go ahead) I will be become a regular visitor to the site whilst planning and organising the move.

  5. #5
    MotherBear's Avatar
    MotherBear is offline The missing link
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    Would it be possible for you to rig up a line of communication with family where you could all take part in regular link-ups via something like MSN Messenger's webcam facility? It really does help to be able to communicate in real time with people and to be able to see each other on the screen adds a bit of 'substance' to conversations. I guess it depends whether elderly family are able to cope with modern technology but, if it's a possibility, that's certainly a great way to stay in touch, to see and to hear.
    Mother Bear

    Try to bloom wherever you are planted.

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