Family reactions

[zummerzet_lou]

I spoke to Mum last night on the phone .. the first time we've spoken since I've broken the news to her.

Started off OK ... but then we broached the subject of New Zealand. I now feel terribly guilty as was accused of taking her grandchildren away and that they wouldn't recognise her.

That, and the fact that she moved down to Bournemouth a year ago (despite me begging her to consider other areas) and now we're abandoning her.

I feel awful - yes, but then I can't stop living my life because of her can I? Or should I?

lou

[Taffy]

Don't be silly Lou!

This may sound selfish/horrible/awful/insert issue here, but if you decide to stay where you are because of her, what happens when she eventually passes away? She would have had her way, and you'll then be left in a position where it could well be too late to get a better life, not only for you but for your children too.

As much as anyone should love and respect their parents, when they would deny you and your children a better future (I don't specifically mean NZ, but any decision in life), then there's only one person they are really concerned about.

If there's one thing in life thats 100% guaranteed - it's only you that will live your future, so get on and do it.

[MotherBear]

Originally Posted by zummerzet_lou

I feel awful - yes, but then I can't stop living my life because of her can I? Or should I?

Aaaww Lou

At the end of the day you have to consider what's best and right for your family. It's not just you and her, it's everyone else that's involved in this as well. Consider, for a moment, if your lives would be richer for staying in the UK with her. True, you might feel better because you don't feel guilty about leaving her anymore, but would you then feel guilty about denying your family the chance of a new and exciting life in NZ? You're in a no-win situation, therefore, you might as well go with what you really want to do, as someone will get hurt whichever choice you make.

She's just laying a guilt trip on you and it seems she's on the verge of winning. Do what you feel is right, not what someone else thinks you should do because it suits her better. It's not like you're leaving her with no one, as you've already said you have a 'more favoured' sister. I understand it's hard for her to see you go, but that's what life and growing up is all about. We all go our separate ways in one form or another. It just happens that your 'way' is a bit further than most.

Lou you sound like a great daughter (better than she deserves) because you're taking her feelings on board, but you also need to be a great wife and mother. Your mother should be big enough and fair enough to swallow her hurt, let you go and wish you well in your venture. The fact that she isn't prepared to do this is proof enough that she only has her own interests in mind.

Look out for yourself for a change. It's time for you to come of age.

[Banjo.Jon]

Words cannot describe how I feel about this whole subject and living through it is like an emotional rollercoaster from hell. She has ruined and spoilt almost every part of our life over the last few years, the last thing that I still have not forgiven her for was completely ruining the children's "naming ceremony". Grrrrrrr . Is euthanasia legal in NZ?

[MotherBear]

'Nuff said.

Lou, get packing and don't look back. No contest. You know it's the right thing to do. Ask yourself what's ahead of you if you stay - more of the same, unless she gets even worse with age. (Is that possible? )

Here Jon, borrow this.

[Banjo.Jon]

Originally Posted by MotherBear

Here Jon, borrow this.

Thanks MB, I like it. I think her only saving grace at the moment is that when she comes over, I go out (to the pub).

[KiwiHopeful]

I wish I could say something pithy and wise, but I can't. We've been lucky that our family has been *mostly* supportive, and at worst they have only tried to guilt us a little bit.

I think that ultimately, Jon and Lou, the two of you have to weigh in your hearts what you feel is best for your family and live the life that *you* choose--otherwise, there will only be regret and bitterness.

I'll keep wishing you--and especially your mother (in-law)--good karma!

[ebianca]

Well Lucy.

Can't really say much that the others haven't already said. You know what is best for you and the family and if you mum can't see that and accept it then that will be her loss.

I'm hoping for you that she will come round to your way of thinking once she sees how serious you are and hopefully begin to support you in your decision.

Maybe you could find some information/books about NZ to give to her so she can see why you have chosen the place as somehwhere to bring up your children. If she knows abit more about the place she might understand- worth a try, things can't get any worse really cna they.

Hope things settle down for you and you sort things out before you leave.

Beth

[zummerzet_lou]

Thanks for all your kind words.

I am determined that this time she is not going to get her own way - these days it is our children that have to be the biggest consideration. What we can offer them here is nothing in comparison with NZ.

They have a reasonable life here, but if they want their own bedrooms (currently share one) we shall have to increase our mortgage significantly. Not only do they get their own rooms, but we can get a house with a substantial garden too in NZ.
Here we have a postage stamp of a garden.

This is not our only reason .. the other is that they can also stay children for longer in NZ - here they have to grow up too quickly as they need to be more "worldly". The thought of which sends shivers down my spine ...

Of course there are loads of other things ... but fear Mum will hear nothing. she told me last night that she can't talk about it. Am trying to be understanding as it is a big blow to her, but after supporting her through the last 3 years of a divorce, her buying and setting up home and then my sister running off with Mr. Unsavoury it's about time she supported me.

Families eh!! I might jot all this down one day and make a fortune from it .. would make a great film or novel.

[MotherBear]

My thoughts are (as if I haven't already spouted enough ) that the more she sees you dithering, looking like you feel guilty and on the brink of changing your mind, the more she'll keep pecking away at you. If you could only appear strong and resolute to her, she might just have to face up to the situation.

The best thing you can do for her now is to put in place (as I've said on other threads) some ways that you can still keep in touch so she doesn't feel so distanced from you. Obviously the Internet would be the best way, especially if a webcam was involved, but I don't know if she's computer savvy. Of course, she may refuse any kind of help in that direction, but at least you'll have done your best.

And remember, many, many other people have left close family behind and probably more amicable ones at than your mum, which would have caused them a lot of pain, so it is doable.

Sorry, Lou, our posts crossed. See you've already made up your mind.