Family reactions

[Banjo.Jon]

Alas MB, she is not computer savvy at all. I have even though about giving her my PC (which is very high spec) but it would never get used. I gave her my laptop when she lived in somerset and that got returned to me a few months later broken (it had been dropped - a lot) and told that it does not work any more and is of no use to her.

I like your thinking with being strong and saying this is what we are doing. It seems every time Lucy dithers on anything her Mum is there ready to pounce on it and make her change her mind. I think the main problem is, we both know it could be the end of a loving (!!!!) relationship and we may never hear from her again. Which does not bother me now I have a great adopted MIL but is obviously a big consideration to Lu. I'm hoping Lu will pull through and be strong, not just for her sake but for all of us as a family. Her Mum is just adding more stress to an already stressful time which does not help anybody.

[MotherBear]

I don't know if it would be any help to Lou to know that when I was distanced from my overbearing mother, it was quite a relief not to have her constantly looking over my shoulder and criticising me. I know it's not a nice thing or a very daughterly thing to say, but when my mother died, after the initial feelings of grief, I felt like I'd been let out of school because I knew I wouldn't have to answer to her or take her flak any more. I felt 'grown up' at last instead of an errant child.

[selchie]

Lou, keep in mind that your mother has trained you very well to do what she wants. Parents are very powerful, and getting away from our early training is tough. But she is committing emotional blackmail, and is being selfish even as she accuses you of the same. Consider that with every compliance to her wishes (against your own) makes her control over you ever stronger. She may know how to push your emotional buttons, but you can disconnect them. Start small, and get the feel for it. You can still love her even as you defy her.

Think of your future self, say ten years from now. Do you want to still be at her beck and call, with that awful knot in your stomach (I'm guessing)? Imagine yourself as you want to be, and start working on it now. It's your life, and your responsibility for making it the best that you can.

It may be impossible for her to grow beyond being so demanding (I envision a middle-aged toddler having a red-faced tantrum), but she might begin to realize that you do not exist for her fulfillment.

My own grandmother is rather demanding and narcissistic, and has pretty much alienated all the younger members of the family. It was very liberating (though scary) the first time I called her on her crap (firmly yet without malice). Sometimes she'll still try to have her unreasonable way, but I don't take on the guilt she tries to dish out.

Supportive hugs from your "Aunt Selchie".

[Glenda]

Originally Posted by Banjo.Jon

Alas MB, she is not computer savvy at all. I have even though about giving her my PC (which is very high spec) but it would never get used. I gave her my laptop when she lived in somerset and that got returned to me a few months later broken (it had been dropped - a lot) and told that it does not work any more and is of no use to her.

I have a blog with lots of photos on - put together especially for friends and family (which I presume they do look at now and again). The few who are not computer savvy I send a printed version of the blog two or three times a year along with a letter or Christmas card. It is a great way of making them feel you've not forgotten them and shows what your life is like living in NZ.

[MotherBear]

So, how's things going with the MIL these day, Jon (or your mother, Lou)? Is she still communicating with you in a civilised manner or has she retreated into her thorny shell?

[Banjo.Jon]

I try my best to avoid her these days. She was round at the weekend, she did not talk to me, she did say goodbye when she left though and made some comment about my leg injury and that was it. I'm just waiting for the day when she slips up and says something out of order to the kids about NZ or her ex-husband and I shall bite back with a tongue some sharp and damning she wont know what hit her. Just hope that Lu still talks to me after

[MotherBear]

All going swimmingly then . You can't really expect her to speak to you. After all, it's YOUR fault that Lu and the kids are going to NZ. Perhaps you're getting off lightly with her not speaking. Just imagine what she might say if she was.

[Dawn]

She's frightened isn't she. She's frightened that you're leaving her and that she may never see you again. It's selfish and it's inward looking but I think she needs to start telling herself the truth:

There were hundreds of beautiful and varied butterflies kept in a vast perspex viewing enclosure. They were in the perfect climate, well fed and safe.....one vivid blue one escaped. 'What are you doing outside of the box?' cried the other butterflies, terribly alarmed, 'Come back into the box, we like the box, the box is good, in the box we are safe.' 'Ah', answered the blue, 'You may be safe, but I am free....'