Leaving older children behind

[nickydwuk]

When we move next September we will be bringing our 2 younger boys with us but our eldest son and daughter will be too old to come with us (he will be 20 and she will be 19). My son moved out from the family home over 3 years ago and is quite independant and my daughter will be starting her second year at university. They have both said they will follow us out whne we can sponser them although my daughter is training to be a teacher so could probably come over inher own right.

The initial move and leaving them here is not a problem. But recently I have been thinking about the situation and my FIL out it into words yesterday. What if they decide to stay in the UK and get married and have a family? I will have grandchildren that I will only ever know from pictures, webcams and birthday & Christmas cards. Even if we get to visit occasionally it will not be the same.

Has anyone else had this dilemma and how have you coped with it? This seems to be the only stumbling block for both of us now.

[MotherBear]

Hi Nick,

As you can imagine, this is one very emotive subject and one that many have anguished over. I don't think there's any easy solution and the usual is to recommend other ways of keeping in touch, which you've already listed. The Internet, webcams and cheap phone calls do offer a good deal of solice as they are real time and interactive but, when you're talking about future grandchildren etc. it's a different story. I'm sorry I can't offer any magical answer, but just wanted to commiserate with you on your predicament. I hope someone can tell you how they are managing to cope, but, obviously, the best outcome would be to encourage both your son and daughter to work towards emigrating, but, as we all know, it's not always that easy.

Good luck.

[Taffy]

Hi Nick,

As MB says, not an easy thing to do. All I can really say is if you stay in the UK, you'll all definately stay in the UK as there'll be no drive, and everyone loses out. If you move out, and they follow, all's well. If they don't follow, and you find you can't be apart from them when the grandkids thing happens, well at least you gave New Zealand a try - and will have an awesome experience to tell the grand kids about!!

So I say do it, live it and see how it goes. If they know how much you love it, it will give them the drive to follow.

[MotherBear]

You may also need to consider that, even if you give up your emigration plans now, your children may well move away in time anyway. It could be to far flung corners of the UK or abroad somewhere, if not NZ, and the situation could enforce separation on you despite your best thoughts of keeping the family in close proximity.

I'd be inclined to go along with what Taffy says and go to NZ, at least for the interim. At least you'll be doing what you want for now and won't need to say 'We could have gone after all' when you find your kids have spread their wings in different directions and you've sacrificed your plans for nothing. It could be that you'll go to NZ and find you can't settle there for some reason and will return home anyway, but at least you'll have done it. Other than that, if you do settle well in NZ, your enthusiasm and good experiences alone might be enough to encourage your kids, or at least one of them, to follow you in due course. If you don't go to NZ you'll never be in a position to rave about it to them and give them the gift of inside information that they may not have otherwise.

[KiwiHopeful]

I was discussing this very issue with a colleague of mine the other day. His son and daughter-in-law and new grandson live in Austria, while he is back here in the US. He feels that in some regard it has brought them closer together, even though they are physically apart. The word he used when describing his visits with them in Austria was 'present' and I think that's a good observation.

My own children's grandparents live 3, 7, and 20 hours' drive from here. Obviously, the visits they make are directly related to the distance. The best visits, however, are with grandma from 20 hours away who the boys see about once a year--we don't so anything special, per se, it's just that the time itself is more valuable.

This has been a difficult decision for me, from the opposite side. I guess ultimately it has come down to two things: 1. this is the best decision for my sons, on balance and 2. (as MB pointed out) each of us lives our own life. (Sorry, I think that sounds cold, but I hope you know what I mean.)

[nickydwuk]

Thanks for the kind words of support & advice. I spoke to my daughter at length today - I have 3 boys and she is my only girl. She said she can't give me a cast iron guarantee that she would come out when she has finished her training. If she meets someone here she would probably stay but as she said they may then decide to move over later. She reassured me that we would always be part of her life regardless of where we were - such an old head on young shoulders (she is only 17)

Like Taffy said - if we don't go there is no drive for anyone to travel. We don't know what the future holds - I have already thought that the kids may move away when they grow up so this would be no different. Still hard though

My oldest son has already talked about moving to Spain to live - he is full of b******t sometimes and bright ideas he concocts with his mates. But he is adventurous and if he doesn't move to NZ with us he would probably move elsewhere in time. ( I don't mean it).

Just need to get my head round it and for OH to get used to it.

[Dawn]

Our oldest daughter is 16 and although she is coming with us in 2 WEEKS TIME!!!!!!, she keeps saying that she doesn't think she'll last long. The thought of her coming back for good absolutely terrifies me. We're just hoping that once she gets out there and makes new friends (because it's this that's the biggest stumbling block with her) she'll just change priorities without realising. Every time she talks about it I have to bite my tongue because I feel like screaming at her that no matter what she isn't coming back and I know that if I do she'll dig her heels in further.

But quite honestly, if she hates it and wants to come home we all will because I can't have a life without her in it every day. She is only 16 after all