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Thread: Reluctant teenager

  1. #1
    nickydwuk's Avatar
    nickydwuk is offline God like figure
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    Unhappy Reluctant teenager

    After spending the last 12 months trying to convince my OH to agree to moving to NZ we finally submitted our EOI last week. Up until now the kids have been ok about it. My 16 yr old has said that he would miss his girlfriend but knew NZ had a lot to offer. Then today he visit's his grandparents (the outlaws who will not discuss NZ 'cos it upsets them) and apparently begins crying because he doesn't want to go but doesn't want to let us down. I spoke to him last night and he was ok about the move. Concerned about his girlfriend but her parents have said she can visit and when she leaves school if she wants to come to NZ permanently she can. Not sure practical that will be but it is an option. I have also told Mark that after 2 years when he has his IRRV he can return to the UK if he wants. So what do I do? OH has now said that if Mark is not happy about going he won't go We haven't yet spoken to Mark - OH has been working and is too tired tonight to discuss it rationally. Just as I think everything is going ok something happens to stop it. The one consolation is that OH has said we will definitely be going to NZ if not this year then in a couple of years - but then my daughter is likely to be too old to go on our application and my youngest son will be in the same position as Mark is now. Help - I am going slightly mad
    Nursing Registration sent 5th August 2007
    Job Offer 25th September 2007
    Nursing Registration received 28th December 2007
    Submitted EOI 3rd January 2008 with 150 points
    Selected 17th January 2008
    ITA Received 31st January 2008
    ITA submitted 25th April 2008
    Approved in Principle 3rd May 2008
    Blue Stickers arrived 13th May 2008
    Flights booked for 19th Sept to Christchurch

  2. #2
    kiaora!! is offline Senior Member
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    hey nicki!
    poor girl :(

    I understand it is the most frustrating thing when everything is ok, you are ready to leave but something or someone stops you ...

    The thing with him being 16 is, that he doesnt understand what s ahead and what will be better.. he might not even like what nz has to offer!

    I m probably alot younger than you(being 23 ) but I have to say, when I was 19 and left Germany to live in Sydney I was sooooooooo stoked to be going to live in the city and I loved every second of it! I grew up in a little town, nothing ever happened etc and to be around so many people, with so much happening all the time was great!

    I went on a holiday last year in NZ and met my partner there.. he asked me right away to move to Queenstown and to be honest, at the time I said right away 'there is no way i ll move there!'

    There are stages in your life where you need things to be happening around you, places to go out whatever it is but you need lots of action!
    I m not sure where you live now and where you are planning to go to but it certainly wont be easy for your son! Plus he will be thrown into a completely new and different lifestyle.. can work out either way really!

    I guess what you have to do is somehow show him what he will gain, what nz really has to offer. you have to get him excited about leaving!
    tell him that he will be living in a place most people will only ever see on a holiday! he will have the chance to meet so many people, travellers, there are thousands of them around and I have to say that has been a great thing for me in Oz as well! there might be things he likes doing but can only do them to a certain extent where you are now.. and most importantly, tell him that once he gets a nz passport he will have the chance to live in oz as well.. meaning after that he can live in nz, oz, europe.. how good is that?

    And lastly how about having a back up for him in case he really doesnt like it there?is there anyone he could live with if he really wanted to go back home?
    Because he cant make the entire family move back just because of him and having that pressure on him is probably a huge factor that he s worrying about as well!
    Just try to put yourself in his position and have a good chat with him, what are his worries? what does he like so much about where he is now? maybe what he has to tell you are things that wont be of any importance for him in a year or so!
    Try to understand him to get the truth!

    I m really sorry to hear what you are going through! and I can only understand how hard it is to think that your dream might not be coming true :(

    I m not sure if this will help you at all.. just thought I d try :)
    I asked my youngest sister last year to move to oz for a year (where I was at the time) to live with me and do year 11 there.. she said no because of her boyfriend at the time who of course she s not together anymore now!
    They just think differently because they dont understand!

    Good Luck, I really hope you can get all of your family together and leave for NZ soon!!!

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    I do not know what yours families expectations are going to be for New Zealand, but you seem to have a grasp on what you want it to be... I would get a bag of sand and some green turf and the purest tasting water available...and then bring them to the table and ask them what the HELL???. Good Luck with your situation....and remember to stay calm.

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    Glenda's Avatar
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    What an upsetting time for you.

    My parents were in this position many years ago when my sister (then 16) refused to go to NZ because of her boyfriend. She knew what NZ was like (as we had lived there previously) but no other thought was as important as her boyfriend. I think that after a decade or two of marriage we forget that overwhelming bonding of young love. My father went ballistic and they ran away. Eventually he agreed they could stay under the care of the boyfriend's mother and we went without her. My parents left it that my sister could join them if she changed her mind, but she married him and are still together 25 years later.

    As you know yourself, you could have the same problem in a couple of years' time with another child. You could also move to New Zealand and have offspring move back to the UK in the future. I can emphasise as I have a 16 year old too and feel he would be lost without me, but with a bit of tuition I am sure in the same position he would cope.

    It would be nice if the whole family could move to NZ, and be happy. Maybe the girlfriend will not last more than a few months more and he will be ready to join you. It seems your husband has put the decision firmly on your shoulders - you sound like strong lady and I hope you do what is right for all of you.
    Glenda
    In NZ since June 2005
    Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness - Chinese proverb

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    nickydwuk is offline God like figure
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    The one good thing that has come out of this is that my OH - after all his dithering - has said that we will move to NZ it is just a matter of when. I have a job offer until Sept '08 and this is the job that I have put on my EOI. So if we don't go this year I won't be able to use the EOI/ITA next year without redoing the whole process and getting another job.

    I think OH's idea would be to postpone the move for a couple of years giving Mark time to work through his relationship but then he might meet someone else, my younger son will be 15/16 and may be in the same position. The longer we leave it the less likely it will be that my daughter will be able to get in on our EOI and she would have to apply separately - so more problems. I don't want to take a moody teenager with me but I can't leave him here - there is no where for him to stay and we couldn't do that anyway. I will try to reason with him today and see what happens.
    Nursing Registration sent 5th August 2007
    Job Offer 25th September 2007
    Nursing Registration received 28th December 2007
    Submitted EOI 3rd January 2008 with 150 points
    Selected 17th January 2008
    ITA Received 31st January 2008
    ITA submitted 25th April 2008
    Approved in Principle 3rd May 2008
    Blue Stickers arrived 13th May 2008
    Flights booked for 19th Sept to Christchurch

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    heidi is offline Member
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    good luck nicky! i read your post literally 20 mins after having a huge argument with my own 16 yr old son. he has told me repeatedly he won't come, but i guess i never really believed it. now he has started to price renting a room so he can stay here with his friends, school and part-time job. He thinks he can manage it financially. i suggested he try it out first, with us still in the country grrrrr (he won't of course)

    i'd take it as a good sign your son doesn't want to let you down and has said he would come with you previously. my son has never said he'd come, not for any amount of cajoling, bribing, pleading etc I've tried. i think it was just being in the company of the outlaws your son felt okay about expressing his fears, they probably encouraged him in that direction (maybe to try to keep you all there). his fears about going are more than normal, but its an excellent sign he's said to you he'll go...exploit it! (and good luck! if you come across any how to convince a 16 yr old tactics i'd love to hear them ha ha)

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    nickydwuk's Avatar
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    Thanks all - Heidi, have patience, he may surprise you (if you believe that you believe anything). Teenage boys are an alien race.

    We have had a talk to our son and he made some good points about his education etc... but we both feel that he would still be better off in NZ. We explained all this and he could see our point. The main issue is the girlfriend he doesn't want to leave her. We talked at length and he is going to talk to her and we are going to talk to her parents. If they will allow her (and pay for her flight) we have said she can spend a mopnth with us at Christmas that way they would have only been apart for 3 months. Then when she finishes school the following June she can have an extended holiday with us. According to Mark her parents have said she can move to NZ to be with him if she wants then. If that is the case we will have to look at what visa's she could come out on (if anyone can help that would be great). He seemed a little happier about it and thankfully OH was well on side as he now can't wait to move - all my patience worked in the end

    We have discovered that as long as we can keep the lines of communication open anything can be resolved - as long as it is what I want
    Nursing Registration sent 5th August 2007
    Job Offer 25th September 2007
    Nursing Registration received 28th December 2007
    Submitted EOI 3rd January 2008 with 150 points
    Selected 17th January 2008
    ITA Received 31st January 2008
    ITA submitted 25th April 2008
    Approved in Principle 3rd May 2008
    Blue Stickers arrived 13th May 2008
    Flights booked for 19th Sept to Christchurch

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    I'm glad to hear that the family is willing to talk and listen. Moving as a teenager can be very difficult, especially when developing some independence as adulthood approaches. It's a prime time to introduce him to adult decision-making, as you are doing. Good luck!
    If men had wings and bore black feathers, few of them would be clever enough to be crows.
    - Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, mid-1800s

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    I did try to post something last night and lost it. Had to go out then.

    Quote Originally Posted by nickydwuk
    Then today he visit's his grandparents (the outlaws who will not discuss NZ 'cos it upsets them) and apparently begins crying because he doesn't want to go but doesn't want to let us down
    Aaaaw, what a nice guy. Most would never have looked at it that way.

    I think you're doing all the right things, Nicky. Maybe trying to find out how Mark sees his future, with or without his girlfriend (or even with a nice new kiwi girlfriend). At that age, when they're in luuuurv , they often think it'll be forever or that, if they break up with that person, they won't find anyone else anytime soon, so they cling to them. Early relationships often don't last but it's difficult to explain to someone who is currently deeply entwined. The point is, how would he feel if you all stayed behind because of him and then, a little while later, his relationship breaks up and he'd missed out on the chance of going to NZ? If he's bothered about letting you down now, I wonder how he'd feel about having scuppered your plans.

    I also wonder how things would pan out if you did delay for a couple of years. Life moves on and feelings change. Would you really want to start the immigration process over and go through all this again? There are several people involved in this move and their lives and emotions will evolve in various ways so that, 2 years down the road, other issues may rear up to prevent your going. It's a big gamble that those who want to go now will still want to make the move then. The saying 'Strike while the iron is hot' springs to mind.

    It sounds like the girlfriend's parents are trying to be as helpful as possible in easing Mark's fears. Even if things don't quite work out as has been suggested with the visits, it will give him something to cling to and give him a chance to get some NZ experiences under his belt and he'll, hopefully, have a new set of friends and relationships on the go by then that he may be reluctant to leave behind if he were to return to the UK. I feel sorry for the lad that he has to make these decisions, but he'll make the right one and you can move forward with your plans once more.
    Mother Bear

    Try to bloom wherever you are planted.

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    nickydwuk's Avatar
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    Default Good News

    Thanks for all the support & stories - it does seem a common problem with teenagers. However we have resolved our problem . Mark's main worry was leaving his girlfriend - he accepted that NZ was the best option for him, his brother & us and wanted to go but the hormones & emotions were strong. Although her parents have said she can come at Christmas (if they have the funds) Mark's main worry was not being here for her 16th birthday on 16th September . We had planned to leave end of August so I could start work mid Sept. We have agreed to try to compromise - if I can delay my start date until beginning of October we can fly out after 16th Sept allowing them to be together for her birthday. He is happy about this and this would mean we will be going with 2 happy teenagers instead of one happy & one miserable one. So a good reult all round

    There is light at the end of the tunnel - it's just that sometimes the tunnel is longer than you think !!!
    Nursing Registration sent 5th August 2007
    Job Offer 25th September 2007
    Nursing Registration received 28th December 2007
    Submitted EOI 3rd January 2008 with 150 points
    Selected 17th January 2008
    ITA Received 31st January 2008
    ITA submitted 25th April 2008
    Approved in Principle 3rd May 2008
    Blue Stickers arrived 13th May 2008
    Flights booked for 19th Sept to Christchurch

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