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Thread: I am sooo p****d off!

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    nickydwuk's Avatar
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    Angry I am sooo p****d off!

    I recently posted a thread saying how happy I was. Now OH has really put a spanner in the works and I am really p****d off with him. A few weeks ago after many months of dithering he finally decided that this is what we both wanted and he was all for the big move. Planning where we would live, what job he could do, what car to get ? you name it he thought about it. We got the house valued and it came out at the same or above what we had budgeted for so everything was rosy. Then this weekend I mentioned about submitting our EOI and he told me he wasn?t ready to go.

    The reasons he cited were: he would miss our eldest son ? who has not lived at home for 3 years and has said himself he will be moving out of the area with a possibility of moving abroad, he would miss going to the pub on Sundays with his Dad, now we both had good jobs and he has some money in his wallet, he would miss his parents ? he wants to be there for them like they have been for him, and the final one he is scared of the upheaval of moving ? he wouldn?t even be able to cope with moving to the other side of town let alone the other side of the world. He also mentioned how he would not know anyone yet two weeks ago he was happy to live in the country with our 2 boys, the dogs and me for company.

    He said he has been thinking like this for a while but daren?t say anything in case it upset me. He also told me I could go on my own ? tempting ? and that he may change his mind in a few years ? what will change? His parents will need him more, none of the children will be young enough to come with us, and he will be more comfortable and set in his ways than now. I can see my dream ending all because he is too scared of a challenge and making a new start. It is so easy to settle for what you know rather than taking a chance ? I ?m surprised he even plucked up the courage to propose.
    Nursing Registration sent 5th August 2007
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    Nicky, what can I say?

    It’s one thing trying to help someone through the rigors and pitfalls of the INZ but quite different when dealing with human nature and the immovable object. From what I know of your hubby, which isn't a lot, he seems to be the sort who will happily muddle along in his own little world and goes through life without making waves and carefully avoiding any that come his way. There’s no adventure in the man and he’s afraid of stepping out of his comfort zone for fear of what he’ll find there. This is fine as long as they don't have a partner and family who are the opposite and need to break out of the everyday routine. This ‘you can go on your own’ business is his way of trying to appear to be fair to you but hoping against hope that you wouldn’t have the nerve to go on your own anyway. I really don’t know what he would say or do if you said you were going regardless.

    Has he ever been to NZ? Would it be worth planning a trip there (um, haven’t I suggested this before? ) so he can see for himself it’s not such an alien place after all? I know Loopylu on here was having a similar problem with her partner. He didn’t want to leave his family and his UK life because he was afraid of the consequences and the permanence of the move. Luckily, Lu managed to persuade him to go on a long trip around the world, ending up in NZ where she hopes they’ll stay. She wonders whether being away from everything UK-related for that length of time might be enough to wake him up to what the rest of the world has to offer him. Whether she’ll succeed we have yet to find out, but at least it’s a start. Sadly, you won’t have such an opportunity, but maybe a visit downunder would help to focus hubby on what’s good about NZ. If he has never been there, seeing it for himself might be enough to get his juices flowing and those memories he’ll bring back will help replace the black hole that, to him, NZ currently is .

    I wonder if all these excuses about missing your son and his dad etc. are just the tip of the iceberg and what’s really troubling him is fear of the unknown. Would it help any if he thought that the move wasn’t necessarily going to be permanent and you could give it a couple of years and then review the situation? I’m just trying to think through the options that could be presented to him so that he doesn’t feel so trapped by the thought of going to NZ FOR EVER. Some people are just stick-in-the-muds who have had the spirit-of-adventure gene omitted at birth and it would take a bomb to shift them or wake them up to what life has to offer. It’s a pity he can’t see that this could be THE ONE CHANCE he has of doing something entirely different for once. Even if he never does anything mind-blowing ever again, at least he’ll have achieved something that’s out of the box, whether it turned out for the good or the bad. How sad to turn up one’s toes with nothing at all to show that YOU DID IT (whatever it was). Perhaps he hasn't heard of the 'what if....' syndrome.

    I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things come good again for you, Nicky, but human nature and stubbornness being what they are, I think you’ve got your work cut out changing his mind. He needs to totally rethink his life and his personality and do something, anything, before it’s too late, but will he? I really feel for you.

    Anyone got a miracle handy?
    Mother Bear

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    Hi Nicky,

    This is Pulsarblu. Yes I agreed with Motherbear. Me and my wife visited NZ before finally making the move. I am all ready to make the move but she was not so sure mainly because she has a good job, a good boss, some really good friends and you know the sounds, smell and feel of Singapore.

    However once we are here in NZ (only for two weeks holiday), she feel that this is what we wanted and there are many things really good about NZ. Obviously we cannot compared Singapore and NZ because they are not the same. Being here for more than a year now has been amazing. What really convince us was the "fact finding" trip/holiday for two weeks, the interaction we have with the locals and the places we went to.

    And also perhaps encourage him that without challenges (moving to NZ), there will be no advancement or progress. There maybe other challenges that you can take on in your current country of residence but I am sure with a positive outlook and open mind, your move to NZ will be the most memorable experience in your life.

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    Ohhhhh Nicky.

    I feel for you. What an awful situation to be in. It is always going to be hard when you don't have the same dreams for the future.

    As has been suggested to you before I think it would be worth planning a trip there so he can see what the place is like for real and what opportunities are there for you both.

    MB's other idea of planning it as a temporary thing of a year or two rather than saying we are moving and never coming back could be another way have bringing him around.

    What do your kids (that are coming with you) think about making the move- maybe they could persuade him if it is what they want to.

    I hope things settle down for you soon and you can sort something out- even if it is a lengthy holiday to start with.

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    kokopeli is offline God like figure
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    Hi Nicky,

    I have some friends who talked about moving to NZ, but decided not to for many of the reasons you describe. I think a lot of people on the forum will feel some empathy with your hubby. Moving to the other side of the world is about as big an adventure as you can get, so I think some trepidation is inevitable.

    NZ is a great place, but it doesn't suit everyone. In some ways, I think it's better to find out now than spend a fortune making the move only for hubby to find that he's desperately unhappy.

    If he's suffering from a case of the great unknowns, get him to read "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spenser Johnson. You'll find it in WH Smiths or on Amazon for well under a tenner.

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    MotherBear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kokopeli View Post
    Hi Nicky,

    I have some friends who talked about moving to NZ, but decided not to for many of the reasons you describe. I think a lot of people on the forum will feel some empathy with your hubby. Moving to the other side of the world is about as big an adventure as you can get, so I think some trepidation is inevitable.
    It's fine when 2 people have discussed the subject and decided against going, but unfortunately Nicky's hubby has strung her along for a while now, leading her to believe that they were going. He should have been big enough at the outset to say that he felt he just couldn't go (which is his right) and not dither around, giving her false hopes.

    Some people just can't let go of their safety net without setting a firecracker underneath them and, unfortunately, this may be the situation here. Tlhere's no denying it's a huge undertaking and very daunting, but he should have played fair with her from the beginning.

    Just my thoughts
    Mother Bear

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    ebianca's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MotherBear View Post
    Tlhere's no denying it's a huge undertaking and very daunting, but he should have played fair with her from the beginning.
    I agree MB- if he has been feeling this way for a while then he should have said so- poor Nicky has got herself a job lined p and everything to have it all fall apart.

    Let's hope he can come round to the idea before WW3 breaks out between them.
    Flights booked for 24th March 2008!
    Landed in Wellington 26th March 2008!!

    Job Offer Received 9th July 2008!

    Temp Work Permit application submitted 11th July 2008!
    Temp Work Permit approved 4th August 2008!

    EOI Submitted 11th July 2008!
    EOI Selected 16th July 2008!
    EOI 'Successful' 1st August 2008!
    ITA Received 8th August 2008!
    ITA Aplication accepted 26th September!

    APROVED in Principle 10th June 2009!!!!
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    Hi Nicky,

    I do so hope things sort themselves out for you and your husband. It seems like a case of where he wanted you to be happy, but realised that no matter how pleased and excited you were, it was not rubbing off onto him.

    I would like to give some sensible advice and insight but it is rather awkward considering my marriage broke up weeks after moving here after husband had a mid-life crisis, decided he wanted to stay in the UK and live life his own particular way.

    Strangely, people think it was me who was the driving force to get our family out to NZ (having lived here in the past) but I was certain all along that he would not 'fit in' here, and that his domineering father would strongly object and make our lives hell. My own parents couldn't settle themselves all those years ago and for the sake of our marriage and children I was openly unenthusiastic. However, my attitude and the attitude of his father was oil on the fire and made him more than ever determined to emigrate.

    If there is really no hope of him changing his mind, and you really do not (understandably) want to move on your own, then you must find some other change in your life to take the place of this lost dream ... another dream or aspiration (something you may have wanted to do but work/husband/kids meant it could not be) as I imagine you are quite happy with excitement and adventure and perhaps it is lacking at the moment.

    Good luck!
    Glenda
    In NZ since June 2005
    Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness - Chinese proverb

  9. #9
    nickydwuk's Avatar
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    I haven't quite lost all hope - I have given him some breathing space and will talk to him later about his reasons and see if I can put good, positive arguments to these. Then perhaps when he has gone through a dull winter here he may change his mind. I don't want to pressure him but I want us both to be happy and at the moment neither of us seems to be happy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Glenda View Post

    If there is really no hope of him changing his mind, and you really do not (understandably) want to move on your own, then you must find some other change in your life to take the place of this lost dream ... another dream or aspiration (something you may have wanted to do but work/husband/kids meant it could not be) as I imagine you are quite happy with excitement and adventure and perhaps it is lacking at the moment.

    Good luck!
    If all else fails then as Glenda says I may have to find something else that will fill that void in my life that was NZ. Don't know what and even then OH may not agree. This is the first big hurdle we have had to face in our 20 years of marriage - not bad eh?
    Nursing Registration sent 5th August 2007
    Job Offer 25th September 2007
    Nursing Registration received 28th December 2007
    Submitted EOI 3rd January 2008 with 150 points
    Selected 17th January 2008
    ITA Received 31st January 2008
    ITA submitted 25th April 2008
    Approved in Principle 3rd May 2008
    Blue Stickers arrived 13th May 2008
    Flights booked for 19th Sept to Christchurch

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    Hi Nicky,
    You could always tape him up with a gag towel and ship him. I can understand his situation of feeling 'the time is near' and memories will be lost, but man, its NZ.... a wonderland of life. but I do agree....go there, and see for yourselves.

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