I am sooo p****d off!

[Mel John]

Hi Nicky
I had a similar situation a year or so ago. I broached the subject of emmigrating to NZ with the OH. At that time his response was..... "I couldn't leave my parents, they are getting on, " etc, etc.
Since then he has become more disallusioned with this country and in February of this year he said...
"You know what we spoke about before........ lets look into it!
His only condition was that he wanted to visit to make sure first - (where-as me being a typical Aries and totally fed up would have just done it)!!
We booked flights and visited in August without the kids (thanx mum!) and he totally fell in love with the place:
Your OH sounds very much like mine......... he goes out for a drink every Sunday with his dad also and although there has been alot of pressure from the outlaws (even to the point of tugging at our 13 year old daughters heartstrings!)
he has risen above this!
I think he has also realised nothing ventured, nothing gained and if it doesn't work out we can always come back!
Hopefully with a bit of time your OH will change his mind.
Good luck.

[Dawn]

I'm gonna be harsh here. Go without him.

Gary didn't want to come when we, well I, first thought about it those few years back. I knew I was going no matter what and no one has the right to hold anyone else back from doing what they want to do so it was a case of 'I'm going, do what you like.'

I love him but I'm not physically joined to him, I can make my own choices, he can make his, if they don't tarry, they don't tarry.

I know not many of you will share this philosophy. You'll probably think I'm hard and uncompromising - maybe I am - but at least I stay true to myself.

[selchie]

Moving so far can be a scary proposition, especially for the minimally adventuresome (I'm a member) . I think it would help if he could talk to you regularly about what he's feeling in this regard instead of hitting you with a small bomb. It's not too late to talk about it in small doses. - And to talk about how you're feeling.

I don't know how important it is to you to move to NZ, but it isn't unreasonable to ponder if it's more important than staying with your husband. Keep in mind that divorce/separation isn't just for people who can't stand each other any more. Sometimes paths diverge sufficiently that one or both are hindered by trying to walk hand-in-hand. With your nursing skills, you could go over on your own and give it a whirl.

Best wishes for a satisfactory resolution, and many hugs.

[nickydwuk]

Well I have had another talk to him - I did give him a couple of days to get his head clear. For someone who had just got his way he has been very quiet and distant. My youngest even asked me if Dad had been crying. He denied it of course but this gave me hope.

He said he had been getting stressed with the thought of moving. Half of him wants to go and half wants to stay. People he works with can't understand why he is hesitating and his parents (Mum especially) don't want to discuss it 'cos it upsets her too much - she is being treated for depression so I can understand a little. Maybe when she has been on the pills a bit longer she can be more objective.

He is worried about leaving our daughter - she will be 19 next year - and his parents. I asked him if the tables were turned and our daughter said she wanted to go and live in the states would he be too upset to discuss it and beg her to stay? Or would he encourage her as it is an opportunity too good to pass up? He saw my point. I know my daughter will talk to him when she comes home from Uni next month. She wants us to go 'cos she is hoping to do a year industrial placement in NZ before she finishes Uni and then come over to work. This may help him.

He said he really wants to talk to someone not so close who is a bit more objective. But unfortunately he has no one. I suggested he puts it in writing. A list of the reasons for going and the reasons for not going. Then see if there is a way round the reasons for not going then take it from there. He agreed.

We have compromised in that I will not submit the EOI just yet - I would need to cash in a small endowment policy to fund the EOI, medicals etc... And when he decides to go I can submit it then and at the same time apply for a WV or WP so we can still come over in the summer. Well that is the latest - just watch this space.

ps - it is like having another child

[zummerzet_lou]

Hiya Nicky,

I'm glad to hear that it sounds as though you have a way forward, and hope that everything works out for you.

We're in the midst of the application ourselves, and can understand your hubbies niggles .. I have them also, and still find myself wandering if we are doing the right thing.

The thing that keeps me sane is that I know it's not necessarily forever ... if I/we really hate it in NZ, we can return to the UK, but I'd far rather do that than spend the rest of my life thinking "what if ..."

all the best,
Lou

[nickydwuk]

The problem we have is that if we move to NZ we will have to sell the house, leave jobs etc... and will not have enough to come back and start again so we know that it will be for good. Unless we win the lottery

[ebianca]

Hey Nicky.

Have you thought about renting out your house and the renting a house in NZ?

This could give you the opportunity to give the place a try for a year or 2 and you know you will at least have a home to come back to if things don't work out and if you decide you wnat to stay then sell your house back in the UK.

Could be worth looking into and may give OH the encouragment to give NZ a go knowing that you can come back if it isn't right.

[MotherBear]

Quite a few people have done this because they weren't that sure whether they'd stay in NZ or not. I guess it all depends on whether you have enough startup money without having to sell the house. If you were able to rent out your house, it could at least pay the mortgage repayments until you decide what you want to do. With the uncertainty of not knowing if you'd be staying or not, you probably wouldn't be looking to buy another house in NZ straight away anyway.

[duane1x]

We are planning to rent, though we did sell the house on the one side. There are lots of reasons - not knowing the area well on the NZ side and needing to get feet on the ground, not wanting to plant a stake in the ground, COST. Housing prices are high in NZ and just like in the US, at least in certain areas, it is actually cheaper to rent.

The funny thing about the "missing the UK" objection - and I don't mean funny, nothing about what you're sorting through is funny - but curious, especially to a Yank, is that (with some you talk to) NZ presents itself as kind of a "purer" version of the UK. It's not one of the flattering elements to tell the truth. I'm sure there are lots of tiny differences that a Yank doesn't even notice, like what's available on tap at the pub, or the way the crust is made on the shepherd's pie - but all Yank sees is that there IS a pub, and there IS shepherd's pie. In our whirlwind tour of pub life, more than one UK expat extolled the virtues of NZ in that it was not being destroyed, yes destroyed, by the immigration that UK is experiencing.

I hope and trust that not only the xenophobes are being exported, because I for one enjoy the melting pot.

[selchie]

I'm glad your husband is talking with you about it. This can help sort it all out. It's a shame he doesn't think he has someone impartial he can talk to. This could be a time to see a counselor/therapist, to act as a "paid best friend" with whom he could talk it over. They're not just for nut jobs any more.