Homesick

[missvee]

Hi everyone, haven't been on here for awhile, mainly because i didn't want to moan. I have just come back form the UK, a very quick 2 week visit. I wasn't feeling especially homesick but I was unprepared for the feelings I had this time round, when I had to leave. Think it is because I knew what I would miss once I got back to NZ. I don't have anything really to moan about. I live in a lovely rented house in a very lovely place called Ohope, a 5 minute walk to the beach. I have a good job, one that I wasn't enjoying in the UK. My daughter is very happy, she is 13 and doing much better in school here. She takes part in more sports and is even enjoying badminton and she has lots of friends.
I am struggling financially. What I mean is I can't afford a house on my salary. I wanted to buy a plot of land and build my home. The other option is buying a property in another town about 35 minutes away and rent it out, use it as an investment. I would still have to rent here but I want my own home, I think most of you can understand that. I have some boxes at my mums, mainly personal stuff. I asked for a quote recently and it was ?650. I wouldn't mind, it's about 3 boxes, a suitcase and a vacuum cleaner. Having my things round me would really help.
The other option is my starting up a business as an addition to my job. I am still researching this.
I am feeling quite homesick and I think this is partly to do with going home and partly to do with the fact I am a single mum who works shifts and I don't get much opportunity to socialise.
My mum wants to come out here to live in the next 12 months, my friend does also, I am finding it quite difficult to find a way of getting my mum out here. She is fit and active and is able to work, she also has money, not a lot but enough. I think it is this that is also getting me down. I really could do with my mum out here to help with care of my daughter when I am on shifts. My daughter has got into a couple of scrapes and has been grounded, this is making me evaluate my job options.

If you are coming out here as a single mum or dad, be prepared for the feeling of isolation, I don't have anyone else here and it is hard. I have heard that young mums also have this feeling particularly when they have new babies and feel they need that extra help.
I know these feelings will pass then come back to haunt me. On the whole we are both happier here than in the UK. I didn't have a longing to get back to NZ but I was really happy to see this lovely country when we got back, even though the flight via LAX was a nightmare, I really resent having my fingerprints taken and photo. It is a violation, sorry but it is.
Ok, enough moaning, think i will go for a walk on the beach, see if it will ift my spirits.
Vee

[MotherBear]

Oh Vee, you poor soul.

Maybe this visit back home wasn't such a good idea if it's made you feel restless and unhappy? Some folks come back from a visit to 'the old country' with the realisation that they've made the right decision to live in NZ but others, like you, come back very unsettled. It must be very difficult for you, being on your own and having your daughter's care to worry about. It can be hard enough bringing up a youngster when you have family support around you, so being on your own in NZ must put a lot of extra stress on you.

Whether your mum or your friend can immigrate is down to their individual circumstances. With your mum, you couldn't sponsor her to join you until you've held PR for 3 years. Apart from this, does she have any skills that NZ wants and is she under 55? If she'd had business experience she could possibly have applied for a LTBV and thought about starting up a business there, which might also have helped you in some way. If your mum isn't currently working, another option, although not ideal, would be for her to come to you on a Visit Visa for 6 months, then return to the UK for the rest of the year.

It really is sad that INZ makes it so difficult for parents to join their offspring in NZ but I guess they're just trying to protect the country from a rapid influx of older people who might be a burden on the already overstretched health service at some point. They are already complaining that there are too many older people in the country, so I'm very worried that something might be done in the near future to prevent the situation from getting worse.

I hope you can find some light at the end of the tunnel as it's a great pity that you seem to like being in NZ, but don't feel you can manage without some support. I would guess a lot of people feel like that and would really benefit from having at least their parents around them to help out. INZ and NZ must miss out on having many immigrants move back to their home countries purely because of missing family or needing their support.

Hope your walk on the beach helps to make you feel a bit better, even temporarily. If you want to toss ideas around on here, feel free and we'll see what we can do to help you feel better. Perhaps being back in NZ for a while will help to take the edge of your pain, although it won't directly affect your situation.

[Glenda]

Hi Vee,

I know all too well that feeling of isolation as a single parent with family support living at the other end of the world! My mum would dearly love to be here, and I would dearly love to have her with us, but with both a sister and brother in the UK that is not going to happen and I am resigned to living in separate countries.

Like you, I am happier here, know it is best for my kids, and am very grateful to be here in such a beautiful country. Unlike you, I managed to get enough for a house out of the divorce, but still need money to live and start a full-time job at a local school next term, just hoping that the kids don't get sick too much as there is no one to look after them!

I think it takes longer for us single parents to get the contacts to socialise with. If we had a husband or partner here with us, no doubt his work colleagues and their families would be an additional source of social interaction. Then there are those women who we think could be friends but are so insecure in their marriage that they worry that us single females will take their husbands!

I am quietly optimistic that things will get better if I am patient and recognise opportunities when they come. All I can suggest is to keep busy, keep your chin up, and have faith that things will turn out OK if you give it time.

[Dawn]

Vee baby, you are a wonderful, capable, strong, courageous and beautiful woman. You have done what very few other people in your situation would have done. You can have whatever you want, you have shown you have the determination and tenacity to do so. There will always be days that are difficult to get through, there will always be times when you feel you have nowhere to turn but get through them you will because you have what it takes in your soul to be different from those who run with the crowd.
You are an amazing role model for your daughter, your committment to striving to achieve the best for her is obvious. She has many questions of her own right now, the blips in her behaviour are not due to any failure on your behalf. She's her mothers daughter and a strong character and as this is her defence for her future it can only be a good thing even though to you it's sometimes a trial.
Vee, you've answered your own doubts within the space of a few paragraphs, have heart, have courage, have patience. Try not to hanker after the things that, right now, aren't possible, it will only make you feel as though you aren't succeeding as well as you are and will quickly lead you to anguish. Focus on what you have achieved and are achieving just by being here and getting on with every day, I'm gonna tell you again that THAT is AWESOME!! YOU are AWESOME!!! Believe in yourself and in the integrity of your choices.
And PM me if your wonderfully, strong, opinionated daughter needs a big sister type figure to chat to coz I have just the wonderfully, strong, opinionated 16 year old daughter to do it!!!

[kokopeli]

Hi Vee, I've PM'd you.

[LilAmy]

Hi Vee,

The homesickness thing isnt nice at all. And it must be so much harder with it only being you and your daughter as you dont really have anyone to talk to about it.

Just remember that's what we're all here for and we've all gone/going through it as well.

Getting a social circle of friends will take time and it will be harder for you with your shift work but it will happen. Are there any after school clubs thats parents run at your daughters school that you could maybe become involved in, even if it is just a small part with your work commitments? This might help you make a few more friends who may even be able to help with looking after your daughter when you are at work?

I wish I could make it all better for you. Just remember these waves of homesickness and feeling blue will come and go and just focus on the good things in your life. This is a wonderful new life you are embarking on with your daughter. This is something amazing that just the two of you are going through and can share together!

I hope you pick up soon.

PS I am sooo jealous you get to live in Ohope. It's so lovely there that whole coast line is just awesome

[missvee]

You really are a lovely, but totally crackers bunch. Thank you for all your support, your lovely messages and suggestions. Don't worry I am not getting on the next plane back. The UK doesn't hold any opportunities for myself or my daughter. I miss friends and family and I know this homesickness and feeling down will come and go. This feeling of being unsettled is strange though. Think it is partly that I haven't got a home of my own yet. By the way, thanks Chris for the offer, (you know who you are) speak to you soon. I will feel better when I have my stuff with me, so will my daughter.

I will try to get on here more often, (if I can get my daughter off MSN). I will say that if anyone is having any feelings of being unsettled, have they done the right thing, feelings of guilt etc., it is normal. I have spoke to my colleagues who are mostly Brits, funnily enough and they have had feelings of guilt. I haven't but no one put pressure on me not to go.
Once again thank you all for words of encouragement and support. This really is a lovely country and yes I do live in a really lovely part of it. My daughter is very happy and don't we want that for our kids?
Vee
Vee

[MotherBear]

Originally Posted by missvee

You really are a lovely, but totally crackers bunch.

What does she mean?

And, as far as I know, she hasn't even listened to Dawn's radio show. Then she really would have reason for that statement.

Glad to hear your spirit is alive and well, Vee. I'm sure things will improve with time. Just keep an eye open for any good opportunities that may come your way and throw yourself in.

You know we're always here for you. (Well, I am - everyone else has a life. )

[missvee]

Thanks MB.
tried to avoid listening to Dawn on air, in print is bad enough.

We have a special place for Dawn here at the hospital, nice and comfortable, lots of padding, she would love it there. Could broadcast to her hearts content.

Vee

[Dawn]

Vee, how could you!! After my heartfelt pep talk as well!!

See? What I said on the radio the other night is true, peeps just think I'm an empty headed, lippy bird with nothing better to say than 'alrate youth vair vair how's it hanging gerramongstit me ode spanner'

I am going to cry in a corner for my self-esteem is seriously battered and bruised.