Dealing with Family Resistance...

[LilAmy]

You're so right Moggy about getting set up with the webcam now.

We sat Mum down and I wrote instructions and we did a few play arounds with the webcam before we left so she felt comfy with it.

Going to download skype for them now as well as trying to talk them through that over the phone was a nightmare!!!

Best get them into a new comfort zone of communication. Mum loves it as I can sit and have brekkie with her on webcam and she can feel all mumsy with me - bless her

[MotherBear]

Sounds wonderful, Amy.

Strange as it may seem, with me having been out in the Middle East for nigh on 10years now, when Taffy told me he was immigrating to NZ, I felt devastated. (Don't tell him as he's big-headed enough as it is with having his 'stalker' on board now ).

I have to say, though, since he's been down there I have MUCH more communication with him than ever before and it's so much easier and cheaper to communicate, with the Net particularly, than it was in the UK where you'd have to fork out for phone calls or petrol to visit. If your mum (or a family member to help her) can get her head around using the Net, she'd feel so much closer to you. If you could only set something up now, while you're still there, so she can see how easily it works, it would set everyone else's mind at rest, too. As long as both parties are near the computer at the same time, there can be instantaneous communication if needed. Can't fault that.

[Taffy]

Originally Posted by MotherBear

I have to say, though, since he's been down there I have MUCH more communication with him than ever before and it's so much easier and cheaper to communicate, with the Net particularly, than it was in the UK where you'd have to fork out for phone calls or petrol to visit.

Curses to that pesky internet

[MotherBear]

[missvee]

You are not doing it for selfish reasons, you are doing it for your son. My mum encouraged me, I think they thought I wouldn't actually do it. I am a single mum. It was hard in the UK and it is hard here. My daughter loves going to school, she hated it in the UK and it would take me ages to get her out of bed. Here she gets herself up. She has made lots of friends, tonight she is at the social club (Baptist Church). She made friends the first day at school. There are lots of sporting opportunities, music is very popular anything kids are interested the teachers encourage. I feel very secure with her here. I didn't in the UK. There is also less of a materialistic lifestyle, you should see my car!

The only person who can deal with your mum etc., is you, you know her best. She has to understand it is for your son.

I miss my family and friends but life here makes up for it. Go for it, follow that dream.

Vee

[Bermy Girl]

Thank you all for your encouragement and support! It helps to know I am not the only one that has had to deal with this issue. I know that the reason my family are giving me a hard time is all about their own selfish needs, which just makes me angry of course. MB, my brother is the only sibling I have who's related to my mum...don't ask very confusing family life!! My mum is very young though and still works full-time, so him being left to look after her on his own is not something that is an issue at this time or hopefully anytime soon. My brother is also married with two kids of his own. The problem is that we live in adjoining apartments and our sons are only four months apart. He wants them to grow up together as best buds. However, his wife is American and wants to go back to the States after another five years or so here, so there are no guarantees that they will grow up together anyway.

At the end of the day, I am going to do what I feel is best for both my son and I. I want to follow my own dreams in life, not someone else's and as long as I feel that my dreams would benefit my sons life then I am going to go full steam ahead!! Speaking of which, Shellbda and I have just had our offer accepted on a house in Palmerston North Which is a great way to bring the topic up with my mum again...I shall tell her that I have invested in my future and if things don't work out in NZ I can always sell it or keep it as an investment.

Of course, I shall spend a few days pondering all of this before I sit down with mum. My brother will just have to deal, I don't actually feel the need to defend my actions to him. Much more concerned with my mum as we have always been so close and she is very close to my son as well. He loves his Nana.

[Dawn]

My mum has supported us although she is of course sad to see us go. Garys mum on the other hand, just cries all the time and accuses me of taking her little boy away - but she does hate me. It's time for you to make your own choices, that's what they brought you up to do and you're doing it successfully, surely that's a good thing.

There is no easy answer. Someone is going to hurt, several people are going to hurt but it will only last as long as they decide it's going to. They have a choice whether to think positively or not and as Moggy says it's time for them to think of you and not themselves.

[moggy]

Originally Posted by Dawn

There is no easy answer. Someone is going to hurt, several people are going to hurt but it will only last as long as they decide it's going to.

That really brought a lump to my throat Dawn, it really brings it home that it is their decision to cut me off and their decision to make it permanent.

[Bermy Girl]

Ditto that lump in the throat Dawn Sometimes I get so stressed out about talking to my mum and having to deal with the emotional blackmail that it makes me want to just burst into tears, so alternatively I just bury my head in the sand... The last time I had a discussion with my brother about my plans to move I ended up in tears...hence the reaction to not discuss it with him anymore

[MotherBear]

Originally Posted by Bermy Girl

The last time I had a discussion with my brother about my plans to move I ended up in tears...hence the reaction to not discuss it with him anymore

Get angry, not tearful BG. If he sees he's affecting you in that way, he'll think he's winning. As long as this is going on he'll keep trying to wear you down. Perhaps tell him that you've got too much invested in NZ now that you can't back down, so he might as well get used to the idea.

Dangle the carrot that your move may not be forever, but it's something you must do to get it out of your system. Once you're there and they see how easy it is to keep in touch, some of the pain will leave them, I'm sure. Accuse him of using emotional blackmail and see what he comes up with. Just keep in mind that you are in the right and they're not. Never let guilt creep into your mind and eat away at you because you're not doing anything wrong.

I was always one to beat about the bush, but I've found, when something's really bothering or upsetting me, it's best to take a deep breath and grab the bull by the horns. Tell your brother you've come too far now and you're going, so he'd better get his head round it and leave it at that. No more discussion unless he has something constructive to add. If you go and find that your family refuses to communicate with you, what does that make them? Sounds like that would be a much worse 'crime' than your going to NZ and is a statement of what they really think of you if they're prepared to lose you like that. That last bit probably isn't quite true, but it wouldn't hurt to throw it into the debate.

Signed: Mother Bear - Forum psychologist

Moggy They don't deserve you.