Life keeps changing!

[ShellBda]

Funny how life keeps throwing us curve balls! After finishing my courses and looking ahead to my move next year to NZ, I received news on the weekend that my grandmother had passed away. We weren't very close and have always had a strange relationship. She drove me crazy and she thought I was weird (no comment!)but I always showed her respect and she loved me in her own way.

My grandmother moved in with my parents when my grandfather died because she was alone in Kansas and had no family nearby. She probably lived with my parents for about 8 years before my dad passed away 10 years ago. She and my mother lived together for about 7 years befre she had a minor stroke and ended up in a nursing home about 2 minutes from my mother's house. My mother has had periods of depression over the years after losing my dad but she had my grandmother and in her own way, my grandmother helped my mother cope. When my grandmother ended up in nursing home, where she has been for about 3 years, my mother took care of her and visited her religiously 3 times a week and washed her clothes, fed her dinner and was basically there for her all of the time.

Now that my grandmother has passed on, my mother is starting to get very anxious. She still works full time but other than her job she has no family nearby. My brother and his family live about a 3 hour plane ride but they can't afford to travel anywhere. I, of course, live 2 hours away by plane.

Originally, when talking to my mother about moving to NZ, she wasn't happy about it but she was somewhat supportive. It was easy for me to talk about it because she had my grandmother. I guess neither of us looked ahead. She out of fear of her unknown future and me because I was thinking about myself and my son. Of course there is nothing wrong with this.

Now, I am concerned. It was easy for me to tell my mother she could come and visit me in NZ and stay for a few months and that she could visit my brother at other times in the year but, and she never said this before, she really cannot afford to travel twice a year, never mind all the way to NZ. I won't be able to travel with my son back and forth to visit her. What happens if she cannot travel long distances because of her health? What if she gets lonely and depressed? How can I, in all good conscience, leave her on her own? My brother cannot even take care of himself and it is a struggle taking care of his family never mind being there for my mother.

I am really feeling pressure here but not from my mother - from myself! She has been there for me all of my life and is still there for me. How can I turn my back on her? We spend Christmas and/or New Year's together every year and she visits me one other time during the year. We won't be able to do that if I go to NZ and she will have no one.

I am so conflicted right now. She said to me yesterday that she was scared to death of retiring because then she would have nothing! She retires in 2 years!

Anyone else been in this situation? I know in the end I am going to have to follow my heart and well, my heart has and always will be with my family. I can't make a decision on what others want me to do but on what will be best for all of us and what I can live with.

Thanks,
Shell

[ebianca]

Ohhhhh Shell.

Sorry to hear about your Grandma- must be hard even if you weren't close.

You seem to be in an awful situation at the moment and only you will know what the best thing to do is.

Have you sat down and talked to your Mum about how you are feeling?

There is also a possibility- if your mum would want to that is..........once you have been in NZ on PR for 3 years you could sponsor your mum and she could come and live out there with you- that would give her something to look forward to after retirement and also you would feel better that although she is on her own that she wouldn't be for too long.

Just a suggestion- it might not be something that will work for you but the option is always there.

I think the first thing to do is talk to you mum about how you are both feeling about the idea of NZ and o from there.

I'm sure whatever descision you make will be the right one for you and yours.

[MotherBear]

Shell.

I meant to reply earlier but got sidetracked into packing. I was thinking along the same lines as Beth i.e. you may want to discuss with your mother whether she could see a future living with you in NZ (not necessarily in the same house if you both value your independence ). It would mean a delay until you get your 3 years of PR under your belt but you say your mum still has 2 years left to work anyway.

If you yourself could see this as an option, discussing the possibility with her will certainly give her something to think about and also she will hopefully realise that you're not abandoning her but willing to include her in your future plans for NZ. I think perhaps some close relatives suffer from the feeling of being left behind and excluded when family members are setting off for a new life away from them and it could be that this hurt is the source of a lot of the upset and bitterness we often hear about. At least, if you give your mother the option of joining you, she will know the choice is hers and that she does have a choice. By the time you would be ready to sponsor her, she would have had some time on her own which will help her in her decision-making. Her life without you may take a different turn and colour her decision.

The regulations regarding parents visiting NZ on Visit Visas have recently changed although, I must say, I have still to fathom out how when they are offering stays of up to 18 months in a 3-year period but in 6 monthly lumps. It's a multi-entry visa but as far as I can see this facility is what we Brits can have now so maybe it refers to those from other countries who currently don't have this luxury. Perhaps it's no longer a case of having 6 months in NZ, then 6 months out before you can return and visitors could hop over to Oz and come back in on a new visa. I'll have to research this topic more closely when I have a moment.

I hope you and your mum can have a good discussion about both your feelings and come up with a resolution, even if it's only a temporary one. Nothing is set in stone so just go with the flow for now and let things sort themselves out in the fullness of time.

[nickydwuk]

Oh Shell - really sorry about your grandmother, my thoughts are with you and your mum .

What a dilemma I have no answer only that this is one of the situations that is causing my OH think long & hard before he says 'yes' to the move.

One way of looking at this is - what would you do if this had happened in 2 years time when you were settled in NZ? Would you move back to be with your mum, stay in NZ and support from a distance (after visiting of course) or invite her over with you? I think many who have made the move or thinking about it have been in or are thinking about the same kind of situation. Maybe they can give better support & advice than I can.

Is it possible for you to put your NZ plans on hold for a couple of years just to help & support your mum? This might help all parties.

Best of luck inwhatever decision you make - I'm sure it will be the right one for you.

[MotherBear]

Originally Posted by nickydwuk

Is it possible for you to put your NZ plans on hold for a couple of years just to help & support your mum? This might help all parties.

Depending on how desperate Shell is to get to NZ and start her new life, I wonder if delaying her departure might only serve to put off the pain and cause other negative feelings along the way. Shell would be caught in a trap where she can't get on with her life in the way she would like and her mum might always be wondering when the subject of NZ will crop up again. It could cause tensions and resentments under the surface. Would it be better to bite the bullet now and work around the problems?

Shell, is your mum computer savvy? Would she be able to use the likes of MSN/Yahoo messenger to keep in touch on a daily basis? Perhaps if you set her up with a webcam she could see you, too. I find it makes such a big difference when families are apart to be able to communicate in real time and your mum wouldn't feel quite so distanced from you if you can share your daily news with her.

Just my take.