Jokes

[MotherBear]

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses
back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and
make 56 million people really happy."

[MotherBear]

[b:89baa97e6d]A guide to Zen.[/b:89baa97e6d]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just p--s off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone ?20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut. up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know

[MotherBear]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now He knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[boorer]

Mother Bear - I hope this might cheer you up on your "bed of pain". I broke my leg last year and know it's not funny. I really feel for you having to postpone your trip to NZ!!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made".
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,"What is it?"
"It's a planet" God replied, "and I've put LIFE on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people".
God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice".
The Archangel, impressed by god's work, then pointed to a landmass in the bottom corner and asked,
"What's that one?"
"Ah" said God.
"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. there are beautiful mountains,
lakes and rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline.
The people from New Zealand are going to be modest,
intelligent, and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable rugby players who will be
admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed :
"What about balance God? You said there would be BALANCE.
God replied wisely "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them. .."

[selchie]

Hee-hee -- I mean that's not nice :icon_lol:

[MotherBear]

Thanks, Boorer. Nice to have a bit of a chuckle - seems it's one of the few things I can do at the moment without getting myself into further trouble. I'm certainly no great shakes at getting around on one leg. Still, had an X-ray last night and things are heading the right way, so that's great.

This one made me laugh........

Three couples all die at the same time & are stood at the gates of heaven.
God informs them of a change of policy (bit like NZ immigration really)
"You have to abstain from s** for two weeks, since you didnt all know this I will return you to earth & you can come back in two weeks". Off they all go.

Two weeks later, there all back at the pearly gates. God turns to the first couple, elderly & in their eighties.
"Did you abstain?" asked God
"Yes, what do you expect at our age" came the reply
"Your welcome in heaven" sais god & welcomed them

Turning to the second couple, who were middle aged God asks the same question.
"Yes, we did abstain - we argued so much we didnt feel like it anyway"
"Your welcome in heaven" said god & welcomed them

God asked the third couple - who were newly weds.
"Did you abstain?" asked God
"Well...err...I was doing well until after the first week when my wife reached down to the bottom shelf to get a tin of beans & I couldnt contain myself and i had her there & then............"

God replies "Well your not welcome in the Kingdom of Heaven"

"thats funny" said the young husband " were not welcome in our local Tescos now either"

Nick

[MotherBear]

[b:e4a2569f45]When God Created Man[/b:e4a2569f45]

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that, if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that
allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzling all over the place - first on
the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried
to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all
the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. "What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God.

[MotherBear]

[b:4b9902e247]WOMEN'S REVENGE[/b:4b9902e247]
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[b:4b9902e247]UNDERSTANDING WOMEN [/b:4b9902e247]
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

[b:4b9902e247]MARRIAGE SEMINAR[/b:4b9902e247]
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

[b:4b9902e247]CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS[/b:4b9902e247]
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, ?cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.

[b:4b9902e247]WIFE v HUSBAND[/b:4b9902e247]
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[b:4b9902e247]WORDS [/b:4b9902e247]
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[b:4b9902e247]CREATION[/b:4b9902e247]
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!?

[b:4b9902e247]WHO DOES WHAT[/b:4b9902e247]
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
[b:4b9902e247]
THE SILENT TREATMENT[/b:4b9902e247]
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that, the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 a.m." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m.. WAKE UP!."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[selchie]

A Mexican, a White Man and an American Indian are all in Saudi Arabia. They are all sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia. For the terrible crime of being caught consuming booze, they could all be sentenced to death!

However, by a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday on the day of their sentencing. So, the extremely kind Sheikh decided they could all be released after receiving just 20 lashes from a whip. They were preparing for their punishment when the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you One wish before your whipping."

The Mexican was in line first; he thought for a while and said: "Please! tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip tore through. The Mexican had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The White Man was up next. After watching the Mexican in horror, he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." This was done, but even two pillows only lasted 15 lashes before the whip tore through again. The White Man was soon led away bleeding and crying also.

The Indian was up last, but before he could say anything, The Sheikh turned to him and said: "I have never met an American Indian in Saudi Arabia. Your culture is one of the finest in the world. For these reasons, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replied. "In recognition of your! kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an Honorable, Handsome and Powerful man, you are also very Brave. If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" the Sheikh asked.

The Indian replied: "Tie the White Man to my back."