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Thread: Teenage Angst

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    nickydwuk's Avatar
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    This has absolutely nothing to do with NZ but I suspect many parents out there will be able to identify with it. My son - 19yrs - has been in a realtionship with his girlfriend for over a year. They appear very serious to all who know them then out of the blue this evening she calls him and says she wants a break from him!! Naturally my son is heartbroken and it is so painful seeing your child - no matter how old - crying She says she feels they have got quite a mature relationship - have a set routine where one week they have dinner with us, next with her parents, one day a week when they don't see each other etc... and she wants to see what it would be like being single and going out clubbing (my son does not do clubbing and is tee total) It seems she is trying to let him down gently but he still has hope.

    His previous long term relationship ended similarly except she said he was too nice to her!!! He was a gentleman and doted on her and she didn't like that - also it was just before we moved to NZ so I think that may have had something to do with it. When this relationship broke up he sobbed in my arms. I was almost in tears and just wanted to take the hurt away - I feel the same this time and hate seeing him like this but what can you do? Sometimes it sucks being a parent :(
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    Aah, the pain of growing up and falling in love. I don't know if it's worse being the wounded party or the mother of the wounded party who has to stand by and watch her son/daughter going through it while not being able to help. Sounds like his girlfriend wants her freedom, to spread her wings and do some partying. It also sounds like she's not as mature as your son and still has a lot of growing up to do. She's obviously not yet ready for a permanent relationship. But what can you do? You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink i.e. even if you could speak to the girlfriend and try to persuade her to go back to your son, it wouldn't take away the problem of her wanting to cut loose.

    So, there's nothing to be done other than support him and let him know it's not his fault this has happened and it's not because he's a bad person. Quite the opposite, he's probably just too decent and steady for her and she's too immature and restless to settle down in a relationship at the moment. That's not to say she might not want to get back with him later on when she's tired of being single and doing the clubbing thing but, just now, they don't seem to be reading from the same page. It will seem like the end of the world to him for a while but, as we all know, time is a great healer. It may be a good idea to get him focused on something else, if you can think of anything. He needs a distraction to keep his mind occupied while he heals. Spring is coming and, hopefully, he'll see things differently and more brightly. He's got a great family behind him and that should see him through. There's someone out there just dying for a guy like him. It's just a case of getting them together.
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    The Female of the species is a baffling bunch! I can never understand how some women stay in a violent relationship 'because I love him', yet will leave a man who's 'too nice to me'?!

    Sounds to me like the G/F may have been encouraged to enter the party scene by friends. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest that she's been convinced out of the relationship by others her age, who have told her she's too young for a committed relationship and should be out enjoying herself.

    Next up on the Taffy Kyle show, "My baby is really my uncle, but who's the father?". Stay tuned.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Taffy View Post
    Next up on the Taffy Kyle show, "My baby is really my uncle, but who's the father?". Stay tuned.
    lol I agree with youTaffy - I think she has had some ill advised advice. She has just started Uni and obviously they have been doing what students do best and she wants a slice of this. My son is happy for her to go out with them but she wants to sample life as a singelton Just see how it goes. And I thought all the problems and hassle happened when they were little
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    Quote Originally Posted by Taffy View Post
    Sounds to me like the G/F may have been encouraged to enter the party scene by friends. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest that she's been convinced out of the relationship by others her age, who have told her she's too young for a committed relationship and should be out enjoying herself.
    Possibly, but not necessarily, IMO. If, after all, you're truly in love with someone, especially when you're young, wild horses wouldn't (read 'shouldn't') pull you apart. Harsh as it may seem, that's the true test of a relationship. My odds lie with the girl being presented with an opportunity for a different kind of life she may have already been hankering after and opting to grab it. At some point along the way, she might come to realise what she's given away, but first she wants to dip her toe into something she sees as more exciting than what she's had. I guess she should be given some credit for owning up to wanting this new life rather than going about it secretly/deceitfully and the poor lad finding out about it from someone else. What could be worse? I just wish there was some magic answer for this issue which so often rears its ugly head in teenage romances (and, in fact, romances at any age ). Whoever could find the solution to soften the effects of heartbreak would make a mint. I can only drag up the old saying of 'Everything happens for a reason' and hope that it's true and someone much better comes along sooner rather than later.
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    I just wish she would end it now rather than keep him hanging on with the old excuse of 'having a break' when all that does is delays the inevitable and just keeps him hanging on. I still have a daughter and another son to start the dating game
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    Quote Originally Posted by nickydwuk View Post
    I just wish she would end it now rather than keep him hanging on with the old excuse of 'having a break' when all that does is delays the inevitable and just keeps him hanging on.
    Talk about having your cake and eating it. She's just taking insurance out that she'll have someone to fall back on if she doesn't find anyone better to fit the bill. Really, your lad should play her at her own game and spread himself around a bit, even if it's being with girls just for friendship at the moment if his heart's not in it. If she's really serious about him, it should at least make her think he's not going to be sitting at home just waiting for her with open arms. Let's face it, she's not playing fair with him, as I'm sure you already realise. He deserves better treatment after the way he's cared for her .
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    I agree with you MB but how I can I say to a heart broken boy to just leave her and go and enjoy yourself? He still thinks she might come back We are trying to keep his mind occupied - at least he has work and an impending interview for Uni coming up so something to distract him and I am encouraging his dad to take him for more driving lessons now that he has more time so hopefully this should work.
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    Quote Originally Posted by nickydwuk View Post
    We are trying to keep his mind occupied - at least he has work and an impending interview for Uni coming up so something to distract him and I am encouraging his dad to take him for more driving lessons now that he has more time so hopefully this should work.
    Good work, Nicky. The busier and more pre-occupied with other matters he is, the less time he has to brood. Instead of waiting in the hope she'll come back, maybe he needs to approach the matter in another way i.e. he works along the lines that she isn't coming back, picks up his life and gets on with it rather than realising, several months down the line, that a) she hasn't come back and b) he's wasted a lot of otherwise useful time waiting around for nothing. If he gets on with his life and finds later that she has come back, nothing has been lost but, if she doesn't come back, he merely continues on the track he's already on, by which time he may, hopefully, have met someone else more suited to his personality. It's a good time to grow, learn how to cope with life's knocks and re-invent himself.

    It's always worse when a partner leaves you and goes on to lead a seemingly full and happy life, whereas you're initially left with a dark, empty hole where the relationship was. It's a kind of mourning for someone lost and people deal with it in different ways. Those who are more outgoing may hurt for a few days, but can then shake themselves up and start over. Others cling on to what they had in the often futile hope that their beloved will find they've made a mistake and return to the relationship. However, the fact that she loves the bright lights and clubbing, whereas he doesn't, could always be a bone of contention between them. If the pull was strong enough, would she have ended up going out to clubs with her friends, leaving him alone at home wondering what she was getting up to? That's not a nice way to live and could be a recipe for disaster (as I've seen in some other relationships/marriages). To a certain extent, they are two different people wanting different things in life. The fact that she says she wants to go clubbing and experience life as a singleton shows she has every intention of hooking up with other guys and is not committed to her existing relationship.

    I don't know whether 'aversion therapy' would work in that you point out her faults or faults within the relationship so that he can see that, after all, it wasn't a match made in heaven. It will take time for him to let go, but he needs to start somewhere in order to heal.

    Thankfully, I can't remember having gone through something like this with my two. I'm sure I would have felt as bad as you do. There's nothing worse for a mother than to feel helpless when one of her chicks is hurting and there's nothing to be done other than offer support, advice and that all-important listening device known as the ear. It WILL get better, eventually, but some time and patience is needed and maybe a gentle push in the right direction. Just don't let him wallow in his misery too long, otherwise it might become a habit.
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    Thanks for the advice MB. She has finally had the guts to end it properly tonight. He is understandably upset and talked about it. He contacted friends he hasn't seen for a while and they came round this evening. Only time will tell but with love & support I hope it settles soon.
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    Blue Stickers arrived 13th May 2008
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