I have something to say

I was listening to this woman today and she said, 'There's a boy I know, he's the one I dream of um hum. Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above, oh oh' I said, flipping eck Whitney, shut y' gob wailing and shag him. She didn't answer me. It's the same every time. She, apparently, never takes my advice.

There is a flock of sheep in the bottom paddock now. Not our paddock, the mans next door. They seem to have appeared over night. They weren't there when I came home at 8.30 last night, I'm sure I would have noticed, and I don't think the farmer brought them rate early today coz I reckon the idea that farmers get up rate early is a bit of a fairy tale invented to make us feel sorry for those hard working harvesters of the land so that we don't actually realise that they just milk a few cows now and again and spend the rest of their time picking up their huge compensatory subsidies. Did you really think that was a trailor load of parsnips that tractor in front was pulling? Come on now. Don't tell me you didn't notice the odd $50 note escaping on the breeze. Of course you did, otherwise you wouldn't have slammed on the brakes to catch it, causing several children in the people carrier behind you to poo in their pants in fear at being slammed into the rear of the front seats. Anyway, I think the sheep were brought by the invisible, fleecy sheep bringing fairies. These are the fairies in charge of moving sheep to new pastures surreptitiously. They do it expertly so that the sheep just appear and you find yourself saying to yourself, 'oh, they must have been there all the time, I just didn't notice.' That's how clever they are. Well, there's nothing clever about it, theyre just vair good at what they do due to lots of practice. Go on, think about it. How many times have sheep just turned up from somewhere and you go,' Oh, look, sheep. Where did they come from?' I know I do it all the time. Anyway, the sheep get the message that they're on the move sometime soon in the next few days, but aren't given details. Sheep are the most awful blabbers, they can't keep a thing to themselves so the invisible, fleecy, sheep bringing fairies don't tell them too much information at once. A few hours before moving time, the sheep are lined up and briefed. Fake passports are given out along with fake moustaches, beards and the odd bad afro wig. Spectacles are amongst the favourite accessory and it has been known for the odd sheep to refuse to participate without the Elton John type ones and the spangly boots to match. Some sheep are given suitcases or handbags to complete the disguise. Keeping to the treeline, the sheep make their way across land. They move from bush to tree, the invisible, fleecy, sheep moving fairies darting between them to keep them from wandering off to eat the odd dandelion and therefore risking giving the game away for all. Sheep are nimble on their little stick-like legs and move quickly and silently, like cumulo nimbus without stick-like legs. Passing drivers and cyclists think nothing of the odd sighting of strangely, woolly, bespectacled, bearded and spangly booted sneakeries, eeking from bush to bush, darting behind trees and telegraph poles. Within minutes, lots of them, hours worth of them, the flock is newly assembled in the new pasture with not a gaudy accessory to be seen. The invisible, fleecy, sheep-moving fairies are down the pub getting a slap on the back for another job well done.

I think this is how, the sheep came to appear in our bottom paddock

My latest orange had something to say that was rather interesting. I poked my finger through it, prompted by WelshGirl who said that she had never poked her finger through the middle of a peeled orange. It turned to face me and said, 'Feijoas may have a more exotic name than us oranges but they are not so sophisticated. They are, frankly quite Stalinist in their stinted view of the world and vair boring at parties.' I was most interested to hear why the orange thought this was so, but it refused to impart any further information so I ate it.

I went to buy some new jazz sneakers today but the shop was shut.

Stars in Their Eyes is on in NZ just now and it's rubbish. The British one is bad, but some of the people can, at least, hold a tune. The NZ contestants are mostly bad singers. Welshgirl thinks I should go on it and be the first person to do it on both sides of the world. But, it is decidedly naff and I worry I may get written off and that peeps won't take me seriously anymore, coz they vair most definitely do now However, part of me is tempted to give it a go, just for the fun of it. I don't know if they'd let me do it though coz I've done it in UK. It's like getting two bites of the proverbial cherry. Whose cherry so they mean when they say that or do they literally mean a cherry. And if they do mean a cherry how can you get two bites out of them coz they're really small. And if it were your cherry wouldn't you be entitled to more than two bites if you liked or are you supposed to be sharing the cherry with the rest of the world. That wouldn't be realistic though would it, there's no way the world could share a cherry unless you're talking about a metaphoric cherry and a metaphoric world ut then surely, any number of people could have as many bites as they liked? Unless it was all gone. Anyway, I might do it and I might not.