[ShellBda]

Funny how life keeps throwing us curve balls! After finishing my courses and looking ahead to my move next year to NZ, I received news on the weekend that my grandmother had passed away. We weren't very close and have always had a strange relationship. She drove me crazy and she thought I was weird (no comment!)but I always showed her respect and she loved me in her own way.

My grandmother moved in with my parents when my grandfather died because she was alone in Kansas and had no family nearby. She probably lived with my parents for about 8 years before my dad passed away 10 years ago. She and my mother lived together for about 7 years befre she had a minor stroke and ended up in a nursing home about 2 minutes from my mother's house. My mother has had periods of depression over the years after losing my dad but she had my grandmother and in her own way, my grandmother helped my mother cope. When my grandmother ended up in nursing home, where she has been for about 3 years, my mother took care of her and visited her religiously 3 times a week and washed her clothes, fed her dinner and was basically there for her all of the time.

Now that my grandmother has passed on, my mother is starting to get very anxious. She still works full time but other than her job she has no family nearby. My brother and his family live about a 3 hour plane ride but they can't afford to travel anywhere. I, of course, live 2 hours away by plane.

Originally, when talking to my mother about moving to NZ, she wasn't happy about it but she was somewhat supportive. It was easy for me to talk about it because she had my grandmother. I guess neither of us looked ahead. She out of fear of her unknown future and me because I was thinking about myself and my son. Of course there is nothing wrong with this.

Now, I am concerned. It was easy for me to tell my mother she could come and visit me in NZ and stay for a few months and that she could visit my brother at other times in the year but, and she never said this before, she really cannot afford to travel twice a year, never mind all the way to NZ. I won't be able to travel with my son back and forth to visit her. What happens if she cannot travel long distances because of her health? What if she gets lonely and depressed? How can I, in all good conscience, leave her on her own? My brother cannot even take care of himself and it is a struggle taking care of his family never mind being there for my mother.

I am really feeling pressure here but not from my mother - from myself! She has been there for me all of my life and is still there for me. How can I turn my back on her? We spend Christmas and/or New Year's together every year and she visits me one other time during the year. We won't be able to do that if I go to NZ and she will have no one.

I am so conflicted right now. She said to me yesterday that she was scared to death of retiring because then she would have nothing! She retires in 2 years!

Anyone else been in this situation? I know in the end I am going to have to follow my heart and well, my heart has and always will be with my family. I can't make a decision on what others want me to do but on what will be best for all of us and what I can live with.

Thanks,
Shell