Nicky, what can I say?
It’s one thing trying to help someone through the rigors and pitfalls of the INZ but quite different when dealing with human nature and the immovable object. From what I know of your hubby, which isn't a lot, he seems to be the sort who will happily muddle along in his own little world and goes through life without making waves and carefully avoiding any that come his way. There’s no adventure in the man and he’s afraid of stepping out of his comfort zone for fear of what he’ll find there. This is fine as long as they don't have a partner and family who are the opposite and need to break out of the everyday routine. This ‘you can go on your own’ business is his way of trying to appear to be fair to you but hoping against hope that you wouldn’t have the nerve to go on your own anyway. I really don’t know what he would say or do if you said you were going regardless.
Has he ever been to NZ? Would it be worth planning a trip there (um, haven’t I suggested this before?
) so he can see for himself it’s not such an alien place after all? I know Loopylu on here was having a similar problem with her partner. He didn’t want to leave his family and his UK life because he was afraid of the consequences and the permanence of the move. Luckily, Lu managed to persuade him to go on a long trip around the world, ending up in NZ where she hopes they’ll stay. She wonders whether being away from everything UK-related for that length of time might be enough to wake him up to what the rest of the world has to offer him. Whether she’ll succeed we have yet to find out, but at least it’s a start. Sadly, you won’t have such an opportunity, but maybe a visit downunder would help to focus hubby on what’s good about NZ. If he has never been there, seeing it for himself might be enough to get his juices flowing and those memories he’ll bring back will help replace the black hole that, to him, NZ currently is
.
I wonder if all these excuses about missing your son and his dad etc. are just the tip of the iceberg and what’s really troubling him is fear of the unknown. Would it help any if he thought that the move wasn’t necessarily going to be permanent and you could give it a couple of years and then review the situation? I’m just trying to think through the options that could be presented to him so that he doesn’t feel so trapped by the thought of going to NZ FOR EVER. Some people are just stick-in-the-muds who have had the spirit-of-adventure gene omitted at birth and it would take a bomb to shift them or wake them up to what life has to offer. It’s a pity he can’t see that this could be THE ONE CHANCE he has of doing something entirely different for once. Even if he never does anything mind-blowing ever again, at least he’ll have achieved something that’s out of the box, whether it turned out for the good or the bad. How sad to turn up one’s toes with nothing at all to show that YOU DID IT (whatever it was). Perhaps he hasn't heard of the 'what if....' syndrome.
I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things come good again for you, Nicky, but human nature and stubbornness being what they are, I think you’ve got your work cut out changing his mind. He needs to totally rethink his life and his personality and do something, anything, before it’s too late, but will he? I really feel for you.
Anyone got a miracle handy?
