[nolasmom]

Are you an American soon-to-be expat or just starting to think about what it means to move to the end of the Earth? This post is for you. I’m going to try to paint an accurate picture of what certain aspects of life are like in the Godzone. I wish someone had written this before we moved to KiwiLand, the shock may not have been so great (obsessively scanning expat forums for months before we came only produced bits and pieces of the following information). On this post, I will discuss houses. Future posts will address moving children and pets, rentals, daily life, cost of living, etc.

I recently saw a Simpsons rerun which neatly put into perspective for me the Kiwi philosophy towards life. Maggie was determined to give Groundskeeper Willy a makeover and he was stubbornly clinging to his conservative Scottish ways. To the tune of a familiar “My Fair Lady” song, Willy warbles “Wouldn’t it be adequate?” That’s the Kiwi theme song.

For instance: shortly after moving into our rental, I was discussing repairs with our landlord and his painter. One corner in the hall was especially chewed up and I suggested they put up a corner guard. By their looks, I thought perhaps we had (another) culture chasm. I described the item and they both looked at me like I had a horn growing out of my forehead. Why would such a thing exist when you could just patch the nicks up over and over?

That leads me to today’s topic, houses. I'll start with a telling bit of news: a law was just passed requiring new houses have insulation. You read that right. Of course, that means existing houses have little to none. You will see log burners, heat pumps, baseboard heaters, and space heaters (lots of space heaters), but no central heating. Why? Because this is a temperate climate, meaning it almost never freezes. But it does get damned cold in the winter. The kind of wet, low 40s cold that gets into your bones and is loathe to leave. Heating is accomplished room by room via the aforementioned heating units and a twice daily kind of dance you do with your window treatments. Yes, central heating is available but the old ways are adequate.

A lack of central heating means a lack of ventilation, so mold is a constant problem. A window has to be cracked when showering, and curtains must be monitored for mold growth.

I’ll skim through the rest of the housing issues in no certain order. Garbage disposals are nearly non-existent, meaning they can be had but nobody has one. Gas cooktops are served by tanks underneath the counter (yup, like your barbeque). Toilets are sometimes in a closet next to the bathroom. No sink in there, just the commode. Entry hall closets and linen closets are rare. We were told that’s the reason upright vacuums are hard to find (more on that later). Most rooms only have two electrical outlets, each accommodating only one plug. Windows are single-paned and don’t have screens. Rentals usually do not include “whiteware” (fridge, microwave, washer and dryer - no matter the color). And clothes dryers* are rarer than unicorns, even high end homes have clotheslines. When we purchased one, the salesman said we wouldn’t need an extended warranty because we would only need to use the dryer in the winter. *Only one brand of dryer sheets is available and they smell like the inside of a New York taxi cab in July.

99% of vacuum cleaners here are canisters which can be stored more easily than uprights in tight quarters. Most vacuums don’t have beater brushes (think just the upholstery attachment), so only surface dirt is removed. Huge ick, right? We bought an upright Dyson, ran it over the carpet throughout our rental, and emptied the canister four times on the initial run.

I wish I had filled up the extra space in our container with the following: toilet paper, paper towels, Oxiclean, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, Soft Scrub, dryer sheets. Wet and dry Swiffer cloths can be found but cost a fortune. New Zealand cleaning products do not clean. They push the dirt and grime around and leave a streaky mess. Do not pack anything flammable, but do give consideration to any other cleaning items. You’ll thank me.

I hope others in the forum will mention aspects I may have overlooked. This post was written merely to prepare others for what they will encounter as new residents of this country. Members of the Polarfleece Brigade who love to chime in with “Less is Better” sermons extolling the virtues of the crunchy life need not reply.