[Dawn]

16th Aug
I am going to see immigration to tell them I have been offered a job and they need to give me a visa now. I won?t take no for a answer, there?s no reasonable reason for them to refuse, just slap the old quill in some ink and scrawl a signature on that parchment kind sir, let me in and on to bigger things and get thee back from whence thy came thee slack jawed, pantalooned, wage slave. I am enabled and empowered, I have trawled the very gubbins of the system in an endeavour to secure a water-tight and fail-safe way to residency and when I couldn?t find one I fashioned one from the vair vair finest of thin air.Do not fret my beloved and unstinting readers I will not fail the very one of you. Immigration will not be able to put up with the pathetic sight of me blubbing and quivering like a blotchy mass in front of them and will rush through my application for fear of my colon bursting in plain view of their enslaved work force for whom it may very well be the most exciting thing they?ve seen since beginning work in the department apart from the time when that twat Glyn photocopied his arse at the Xmas party and posted it to his bosses Mrs with a note saying ?If seen do not approach. Armed and dangerous.?

17th Aug
Spent the better part of this morning pulling god knows how many months of someone else?s hair and matted skin scum out of the shower plug-hole and scrubbing the vair same out of all those crevices you don?t realise exist until you have to clean them. No I don?t mean my own crevices because of course I know who?s hair and skin scum is in there, I mean all those nooks and crannies in the bathroom that you only get round to cleaning when you have to. Funny how you don?t mind getting your fingers down amongst all that slimy horribuleness when it belongs to your own but when it?s a strangers it takes on a kind of unknownnesss type quality that just makes you want to rock your guts up. Lordy Lordy. The rest of the house wasn?t too bad it just needed a good once over which Gaz and I gave it good and proper and hey presto a housey type house more than adequate for our needs.

18th Aug
Bugger me! Gazo got offered a job today! And it?s all a bit mad how it happened so what do you think to this? I had been saying to WG I need to get my haircut coz I looked a bod and she were saying ?the?s a good place down in Chartwell we?ll go in and let you have a look?, coz I have my hair a bit weh a bit wah not nicey nicey like most decent folks. But for some reason we never managed to get there and now I know why. We was furniture shopping t?other day and were in a shop looking round stuff, as you do, coz otherwise you wouldn?t know what was on offer and I noticed a woman whos hair looked alrate so I asked her where she got it done and she told me. I rang them up and made an appointment and got me hair cut right nice and happened to mention that Gary was a barber. By the way, I hated hairdressers in the UK. I found a hairdresser I liked about 9 years ago and stuck with her. First she was mobile and came round my house whenever I wanted then she got a little salon and I went there whenever I wanted and there was no pretending it was a big deal, no showoffiness, no ?ooooo look at me getting my hair done in a vair vair cool, hip and trendy salon? and no ?I am a superior-looking type person to you so I can cut your hair how I want to, charge you $5000 dollars for it and make you feel grateful by blinding you with my super pearly white teeth?. It was just a vair vair pleasant experience where I just basically got a bloody good hair cut for $50 and the hairdresser didn?t even give an inkling that she couldn?t understand my rather complicated sentence structures unlike her UK counterparts who would just joosh their own hair in the mirror, pout and say ?That?s nice, Where did you say you were going on holiday this year?? Suits me! I booked Lauren in for a cut for the next day, yes I DID SAY THE NEXT DAY and when I went in to pick her up and pay the bill the owner said she wanted to talk to Gaz about barbering for her. Now what are the chances of that? Do you see how many probabilities came into play there? If just one of them hadn?t happened Gaz wouldn?t have had his job offer. So he?s gonna ring her tomoz and ask her what?s going off then he?ll be down the immigration. Skip wah doo they?ll give us residency as soon as coz frankly two exploding colons in one day is too much for anyone to handle.