Errr Righto - lets see what we got..........................
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
He sat awake all night wondering if there was a dog?
two parrots sat on a perch...one says "can you smell fish?"
Bloke walks into a bar and a bowl of peanuts starts telling him how good he looks night, what great clothes he has on and he's sure to go down well with the ladies.
He laughs and goes to get some cigarettes from the vending machine...the vending machine starts hurling abuse at him and calling him everything under the sun.
He quizzes the bar man, who says " Well the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order"
A pizza walks into a pub and orders a pint.
Barman refuses and says "sorry we dont serve food"
A fresh cow pat and a wig walk into a pub, landlord says to the cow pat " I aint serving you 'cos your steaming and yer mates off his head"
A chef in an indian restaurant slipped in the kitchen and fell onto the cooker.....a spokes person from the ambulance service said that there wasnt much they could do to save him - he had slipped into a korma.
A riot broke out in a hardware store bewteen some fireworks and car batteries. Police arrived and broke it up. The batteries got charged, and the fireworks were let off.
Two dyslexics walking down the street. One says, "can you smell gas?". Second one says "smell gas, I cant even smell my own name!"
Did you hear about the Irish family that waited outside the cinema for 6 weeks waiting to see "Closed for Winter"?
Oh dear, good bye
Cheers
Nick
OH yes, this one is good...............
Two Kiwi farmers, Wal & Ted leaning on their truck in town and this tourist apoproaches them and asks...
waar is de meest dichtbijgelegen winkel?
"Na cant understand ya mate!"
Then he asks
o? est le magasin le plus proche ?
"Nope, aint got a bloody clue what your saying" shouts Ted
Tourist then asks
dove ? il negozio pi? vicino?
"Ya need to speak English and slowly mate" yells Wal
In a last ditch attempt the tourist says
"?d?nde est? la tienda m?s cercana?"
Wal & Ted shake their heads at the guy. The tourist throws his arms up in the air and walks off in frustration.
After a few minutes Wal turns to Ted and says "Da ya think we should learn a foreign language Ted?"
"What for" Replies Ted "That bugger knew four and it hasnt done him any good has it!
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