I haven't spoken to Bermy Girl yet as I just got off the phone with my mother. I knew my mother wasn't overjoyed about my decision to leave Bermuda and move to NZ. I was kidding myself in thinking that she was handling it well. I just spoke to her and decided to bite the bullet and tell her about the house Bermy Girl and I are buying in Palmy North. Her answer to my news was "Okay". I thought she misunderstood and thought I meant we were going to buy a house. I told her "We actually have found a house and have signed an Offer to Buy". She said "mm hmm". I said "Mom, I have been honest with you from the start because I know it won't be easy for you but I wanted you to have the time to get somewhat used to the idea." She started to cry and I could tell she was trying to hold it in. I am now sitting here feeling like the worst person in the world and wanting to cry myself.
She made some comments that to her may seem valid but to me they were just excuses or cop outs to her true feelings. She has known that I have wanted to leave Bermuda for a long time but the timing was never right or I was too afraid to leave the security I feel here. She said she knew that I wanted to leave but didn't realize that I wanted to leave here so badly that I would move so far away. I told her that I did not choose NZ because of the distance. My moving has nothing to do with trying to get as far away as possible. I need to live somewhere I will feel accepted, somewhere I will feel comfortable in my own skin, somewhere I can drive and somewhere I can afford to move to. I lived in the US with my then husband and was too afraid to drive. I have no desire to live in the US. I could move to Ireland or England or Europe but I have no desire to and apart from relatives in Ireland, I don't know anyone in that part of the World. I could go on and on but suffice it to say she is not happy and thinks I am moving to the end of the world.
The problem is, I know what is driving her feelings and I understand why she feels the way she does. But, I wanted her to admit to me that some of the reasons she does not want me to move are selfish reasons because she kept making it sound like she was upset because I would have her or my brother around if there was an emergency. I told her that a lot of my reasons for moving were selfish on my part but that I had not really made any decisions for myself since before I moved in with my husband in 1991. I have been divorced for 7 years and now have my little boy. I am older now and financially able to support such a move.
She is afraid of being alone. I know that and I told her that she needed to tell me that so that we could deal with her fear together. She kept going on about it being a 6 hours flight from her home to LA and then another 12 hours to NZ. I told her that between the two of us she could make that trip once a year or once every other year and she could visit my brother on alternate years.
My mother and I are extremely close and have been since my father died 10 years ago. My parents left Bermuda when I was 20 and moved to Massachusetts. My brother moved from Bermuda to Georgia when he was 17. He is now 38 yrs old and I have seen him 3 times since he was 17! I see my mother once a year! I asked my mother do I just stay here in Bermuda, carry on with my mundane life just so that her and my brother can feel secure in the knowledge that I am nearby?
I haven't even made the move yet and I am sitting here and my heart is breaking and I already feel guilty for wanting to leave my family. I feel guilty because I am leaving my mother to be alone. The strange thing is, my brother lives about 4 hours flying time from my mother and she has only visited him once in the past 10 years and he has only been to see her maybe 3 times in that time.
I know I am rambling but I am hurting because I am hurting her. She told me at the end of the conversation to go ahead and send her pictures of the house so she could see where we were going to eventually live. She told me she would try but that it was not going to be easy. The selfish part of me wanted it to be easy. I wanted her to say "how wonderful" or "I can't wait to come down and see you" and so on. Just so I could avoid the guilt.
I am still making the move. It has taken me too many years to grow into the person I am now and become the strong and confident woman that I am now. I have come so far in my life through my own perseverance, through heartache and very sad moments in my life. I need to do this. If I don't I will regret it forever.
Well must run as I am starting to choke up again. I made some chocolate chip rasberry bars last night and I think I need a little comfort food.
Thanks for listening.
Shell
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